


Easily replaceable

by pjpuddle



Category: The Avengers - Ambiguous Fandom
Genre: AU, Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, Explicit Language, M/M, Makeup, Past Abuse, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-17
Updated: 2014-08-04
Packaged: 2017-12-05 14:20:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 36,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/724274
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pjpuddle/pseuds/pjpuddle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clint arrives home early from a mission and sees something that shatters him, but all is not as it seems.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi all. I've been reading Fanfiction for years and have had many hours of enjoyment. I have never written anything before but wanted to try to give something back to the community. I know my grammar is not great and the story is clichéd, but I hope someone enjoys it. 
> 
> I was inspired to write this after reading two fantastic stories by burning_nova and VolceVoice. Both have followed a prompt which asks for a story which doesn’t have the usual "Typically it ends happily as a misunderstanding" and they are both doing a fantastic job of this; but I felt like some of the ‘usual’ so here it is. You can never have enough angst with a happy ending

Clint sighed as he walked down the corridor towards Phil’s office, he was tired, aching and chilled and just wanted to go home and let Phil take care of him for a while before collapsing into bed with a nice warm Phil. It was late and Clint had just returned from a long mission in a very, very cold country with Natasha. Even the ride home hadn’t warmed him up and Natasha was still in the infirmary staving off frostbite. 

He had just finished his debrief with Agent Hill and hoped Phil would have already gone home as he wasn’t expecting Clint to return for at least another week but on checking with SHIELD security found Phil still logged in. Perhaps Phil had gotten word that the mission had ended early and was waiting to take him home or more likely without Clint to nag him was immersed in work and had forgotten the time. 

Clint had missed Phil so much, he’d been away for nearly six weeks and before that they had been busy with the clean up from the battle against the Chitauri. Phil had also been cherishing his role as ‘introduce Steve to the twenty first century’. Tony had wanted the role, but Fury’s sheer horror at the corruption of a national icon that could be wrought at Tony’s hands had him ordering Phil to take over updating the Captain. Phil hadn’t been the least upset, unsurprisingly, and had taken to the task with gusto. Clint hadn’t minded, Phil was such a fanboy and he was obviously enjoying his time with Steve. 

Clint had been with Phil for over five years now and had always known about Phil’s love of all things Captain America and having his real life idol working with him had to be dream come true and anyway Clint mused he came home to Clint every night. Clint had a brief flicker of unease as he thought this and remembered that the night before the mission Phil hadn’t come home, he was very apologetic the following morning and he met Clint on the way to the Quinjet and had explained that he and Steve had been watching a documentary about space flight and he had fallen asleep on Steve’s couch. 

Clint scolded himself at these thoughts, it had taken Phil a long time to convince Clint that he was genuinely loved and that Phil wouldn’t be trading him any time soon. Phil was Clint’s only real relationship anyone he had been with before had only wanted to be with him as long as they were having plentiful sex, but didn’t really seem interested in actually spending any time with him out of bed. Clint knew he was sarcastic, could be withdrawn and didn’t have great social skills but he had never had anyone show him or tell him how to act around ‘normal people’. Life in the circus had been about following Barney and the Swordsman’s orders and not missing the target. 

When first joining SHIELD he had found that his life as a sniper meant that getting close to anyone was difficult. He spent long hours alone and was often seen as standoffish or arrogant when really he just didn’t know how to make polite chit chat. Clint now, on the whole, didn’t care what everyone thought of him; he had Phil and Natasha now. He felt so lucky now, a lover and an almost sister all of his own. It was so much more than he had ever been willing to hope for.

Clint arrived at Phil’s door and with a huge smile on his face pushed the door open. He knew cuddling would have to wait until they were home, Phil hated being unprofessional at work but just to be next to him would be wonderful for now. Clint looked into the room and froze and the smile slid from his face. Phil was by his desk but he wasn’t alone. Steve was leaning down over Phil and kissing him, Phil was staring up at Steve with wide open eyes. 

Clint stepped back out of the office and was suddenly gasping for breath. He felt cold and sick and like the world had just tilted. Clint needed to get away from here now and when he was able to pull in a gasping breath shot off down the corridor his early aches overridden by his intense pain, Clint found himself outside one of the interview rooms and rushed into the room, closing and locking the door behind him. He then collapsed on the floor, shaking and curling up in himself. He thought he was Phil’s forever, why was he always so easily replaceable. 

Meanwhile back in Phil’s office Phil was pushing Steve away.

“What the hell are you doing Steve?”

“Uhm.. Kissing you, sorry, I thought you wouldn’t mind” Steve suddenly looked much smaller than his six foot four self, his face flushing red.

Phil without sympathy said “Well I did. I am in a relationship Steve and I thought you of all people would be respectful enough to ask before taking”

Steve seemed to become even smaller. “I am so sorry Phil, I didn’t know, you never said and you have been spending all your time with me when you are not in your office that I didn’t realise there was anyone you were seeing. I really am sorry. I should have asked but you have shown me so much.”

Phil barked at Steve in disbelief “Are you saying you kissed me because you thought I could show you how it’s done?!”

Steve if possible shrank even further and was now a bright shade of red “y-yes.”

After a pause he continued “I am so sorry, I should never have done that without asking, you have been such a good friend and I definitely overstepped the boundaries. I just wanted to know if kissing a guy was the same as a girl, apart from the whole guy thing of course.”

Steve hesitated going even redder and then continued “I k-kinda like a boy, well man really, not-t.. you, but it still seems so wrong to think like that about him. God Phil I really have made a complete mess of this. Sorry, sorry, so…” Steve trailed off.

Phil was finally calming down after the initial shock of the kiss. He looked at Steve cowering and looking so guilty and felt a touch of compassion for his hero- somewhat tarnished though he now may be- he was so young and had been trying so hard to fit into a world he no longer recognised. Phil could afford to be generous and once again lead him in the right direction.

“Steve, that’s really no excuse you should never do anything personal with another person without asking first, but I am willing to let this go. No real harm has been done” as Phil said this a shiver ran down his back and it took him a moment to gather his thoughts before he continued. “But I think you need to talk to someone about your feelings, I can recommend a good psychiatrist if you want. Also if you ever kiss me again, super serum or not, I will punch you into next week.”

Steve looked at Phil a hesitant smile starting, really, Phil thought he really does look like a big puppy at times and despite his upset smiled back.

“Phil, thank you, I really am sorry, yes, I do need to talk, but not to a shrink, if you don’t mind. If you are still my friend can I talk to you?”

“Steve, yes, you are still my friend and you can always talk to me but I thought you may be more comfortable with a professional, sexual identity is a big issue and I don’t want to steer you wrong just because I’m in a relationship with a guy.”

Steve looked surprised at this and asked “Do I know him? Where is he? He’s really going to hate me when he knows about this isn’t he?”

“You do know him Steve and although we keep it low key it’s not a secret, so he won’t mind me telling you. We have been together over five years now and I care for him very much…its Clint.”

“Oh Phil, that’s great. I don’t know him very well yet, but he seems like a great guy.”

Steve smiled and teasingly said “and Phil, Wow, those biceps.”

Phil laughed and replied “Kissing me and ogling my boyfriends muscles, and Fury was worried about Stark corrupting you.”

Steve laughed too and said “Phil, I lived through a war; I’m not really that innocent.”

Phil smiled, yes Steve, Captain America had lived through a war and had seen plenty of horror and gore but in so many ways he still had a childlike innocence about him. Phil didn’t want that to ever change and would do whatever it took to help him.

Steve looked at Phil with a serious expression. “I really would prefer to talk to my friend about my feelings not a professional. Want to grab a cup of coffee and head back to the tower? Clint’s still on a mission isn’t he? I realise I have been selfish in monopolising your time, when he’s back, I’ll back off. Clint must be upset with me.”

Phil and Steve headed out of the office down the corridor to the lifts.

“No, Clint’s not upset; he has lived with my fanboy tendencies over you for long enough and understands how much I have been enjoying our time together.”

Steve laughed and Phil couldn’t help but join in, as they made their way to the elevator.

Unknown to either was the figure curled up on the floor of one of the rooms they passed. Their ringing laughter ripping further apart, an already broken heart.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clint arrives home early from a mission and sees something that shatters him, but all is not as it seems.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big Thank you to everyone who has commented and left Kudos. I was incredibly nervous about posting anything, but you have given me the confidence to write more.
> 
> I don't own any of Marvel's lovely characters.

Phil woke up with a smile he had been having a particularly nice dream about he was going to welcome Clint home; only a few more days now and Clint would be home. He really missed Clint’s warm body curled up next to him; a lot of people would be shocked to learn that Clint was a cuddler. Clint had been awkward about touching Phil, when they first got together, like he expected to be told to stop at any moment; it was well over a year before he stopped asking every time he wanted to touch Phil and another year before Phil discovered Clint was a secret cuddler. They had a very active and fulfilling sex life but Clint was happy to spend any time he could curled up around Phil or with Phil around him. 

After showering, Phil looked at himself in the mirror and remembering the evening before, chuckled to himself. How did he, a middle aged slightly balding man, end up having a guy like Clint as his lover and Captain America kissing him! Alright, Steve had just been experimenting and didn’t really want Phil, but it was, very secretly, flattering, underneath all the annoyance at Steve’s actions, of course. But as he had made clear to Steve last night his heart and body belonged always to Clint and Steve needed to think about his feelings for a certain scientist. 

He and Steve had gone for coffee after leaving headquarters and talked until the early hours of the morning. Steve had admitted that he had been having ‘strange feelings’ for his scientist. He explained that, he had spent most of his life surrounded by men, but had never been interested in how one looked when he bent over a work bench, until he moved into the tower. When, all of a sudden, his eyes couldn’t seem to look away from a certain rounded posterior; or really any part of him. 

Steve had been finding this hard to reconcile with his forties attitude towards anything that wasn’t quite on the straight, so to speak. They had talked, about how, society and attitudes were changing for the better, in regards to same sex relationships and though Phil had to admit things weren’t quite there yet in the way of equality, more and more people were accepting of love in all its forms and did it really matter who you found it with. Steve had been happy to learn that same sex partners could even get married. 

He still seemed to have a few doubts, as they parted; not about his feelings anymore, but about how the people would react to Captain America being Gay or at least Bi-sexual. Phil had tried to alleviate Steve’s fears by saying it was up to Steve who knew about any relationship he was in and it did not have to be fodder for everyone, but Steve had been adamant that if he was in a relationship, whoever with, he would not hide it. Thinking about this there was no way he could actually see Steve sneaking around for anything, he had such a strong morale compass; well apart from when he kissed people without asking!

Phil arrived at HQ and he had just sat down at his desk when there was a knock at the door and Agent Hill walked in. 

Phil was confused. “What are you doing here? I thought you were still out on Clint and Natasha’s mission? Has something gone wrong? Are they ok?”

Hill looked equally confused as she answered Phil. “Haven’t you seen Clint yet? I thought he’d left medical last night to go home to you?”

Hill and Coulson had been colleagues and sort of friends, for the past few years and she was well aware of the relationship between Coulson and his archer. Part of the reason, Clint and Natasha, were on the mission, with Hill as their handler, was so that they could be independently assessed by a senior handler, to ensure Phil was not allowing any bias due to his personal relationship with a SHIELD asset; not that anyone actually thought this would happen, but rules were rules.

Phil suddenly felt slightly panicked. “I haven’t seen Clint since he left on the mission. When did you get back? What was he doing in medical and where the hell is he?”

Hill, seeing Coulson’s sudden worry, started feeling very nervous and said “We got back last night, Agent Romanov and Agent Barton were both suffering a little from mild hyperthermia, Barton was checked over and sent on his way with instructions to keep warm and rest. The doctors were worried about Romanov hands, she had lost one of her gloves on the trek back to the transport and they insisted on keeping her in for longer. They were sure there would be no permanent damage, but it had been a close thing”

Hill said “Perhaps he’s down in the infirmary? I had to kick him out in the end; he was feeling guilty, for not noticing, about Romanov’s missing glove. I wouldn’t put it past him to have snuck back in. You know how he is when she gets hurt”

Phil brightened up. Yes Clint would be in the infirmary with Natasha; at times the two were inseparable and he knew a lot of people thought that they were a couple. Phil however, knew that Clint looked at Natasha as he would a sister, one who he adored. Yes if Natasha was injured, he had probably stayed with her and he wouldn’t have called Phil as he would know Phil would have dragged him home. 

“Oh, OK, I’ll just go down and read him the riot act. Anything else I need to know?”

Hill relaxed and told Coulson “No not really, the mission went well which is why we were home early and Clint had the pleasure of getting rid of a real scumbag. I think apart from Natasha, the cold and a few bruises he was fine. He was tired; you’ll probably find him asleep on the bed next to Romanov”

Phil grinned at Hill and grabbed his suit jacket from the back of his chair. “I better go retrieve my Ass…et then. Thanks for bringing them home safe. I’ll be back as soon as I get him settled at home.” 

Phil mused, as he walked down to the infirmary, that Hill would have no issue with him taking Clint home, although he liked to keep the professional boundaries with Clint in work time, they both knew that Clint couldn’t be trusted to go home on his own and SHIELD benefitted from having a rested asset. Also it wasn’t like Phil worked a nine to five job. 

When Phil had signed on the dotted line to become a shield agent, many years ago, he vaguely remembered them mentioning a 38 hour week, but he’d be expected to do a bit more if needed. Phil often chuckled at this bit of understatement, he lived and breathed SHIELD. It was only when he started his relationship with Clint that he realised that he could actually have a whole day away from the office. Spending time with Clint was more important than anything and it was with a pang, he realised how little time he had actually spent with his lover, since his return from Loki’s control. 

Phil arrived at the infirmary and pushed open the door, to the room, he usually found Clint or Natasha stashed away in. This was near the nurse’s station, so they could hopefully be spotted when they tried to breakout, although the nurses had a very low success rate at actually preventing this happening.

Natasha was lying on the nearest bed looking very irritated.

“Phil, I was just about to initiate an escape plan. Can you tell those idiot doctors that I can get out of here? I was born in Russia; a little cold is not going to harm me.”

Phil ignored Natasha’s comments, he had been expecting Clint to be on the bed furthest away and was surprised it was empty and still made.

“Has Clint already left? It’s no good him trying to pretend he wasn’t here, I know you got back last night” said Phil

Natasha looked puzzled. “What are you talking about? Clint left last night with Hill, I haven’t seen him since”

Phil let out a deep breath he was really worried now, why hadn’t Clint come home? What was he doing? With Natasha suddenly sitting up, as she realised something was wrong, Phil pulled his phone out and quickly dialled security.

“This is Agent Coulson; I need an urgent update on agent Barton’s location”

Natasha watched as Phil talked to security and Phil clicked his phone off. “They said he left at 3.06 this morning. His phone is still in the building. Where the hell is he?”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for all the lovely comments.  
> Heres whats been happening with Clint
> 
> As previously said they are not mine. I am just borrowing them.

A few hours later Clint came back to himself and found himself still lying on the floor of the interview room; he was cold and stiff. What was he doing here? Clint’s sluggish brain went over his return to SHIELD HQ; medical with Natasha; Hill kicking him out and saying to go home to Phil and then… Ohh… Phil had been kissing Steve.

Tears trickled down Clint’s chilled face and then Clint put his arms around himself as great racking sobs tore through him. Clint struggled to breathe through the devastation sweeping over him.

When he was able to think again his thoughts were chaotic. Phil… Oh God, Phil didn’t want him, he was kissing someone else, he didn’t want Clint any more. What had he done wrong? He thought Phil loved him, they had been happy. Phil had told him they were happy, why? What had he done wrong? Why didn’t Phil want him? Stupid. Stupid, of course he didn’t want Clint when he could have Captain fucking America. Clint had stupidly thought Phil meant to keep him, stupid, stupid Clint.

He knew he didn’t deserve Phil from the start; couldn’t believe it when Phil had taken him in his arms after Budapest. But he had loved Phil from the moment he had woken up in shield medical, with a bullet hole in his thigh and a new life looming before him where he could do good, be a hero instead of the villain.

Clint was so happy Phil had even bothered to look at him as anything other than an asset, to have Phil want to have sex with him and be able to store memories of Phil’s hands on and over him, would last him a lifetime. But Phil had not kicked him out of bed after they had fallen into it and Phil had left him sated and sore. Phil had held him, and made him breakfast, and asked him home again the next night, and again Phil held him and didn’t kick him out. Clint thought he was in heaven, but he had known it wouldn’t last and Phil would grow tired of him.

After about two weeks of him holding Clint and not kicking him out, he had told Phil that he did not have to let him stay and that he would leave. He had thought that if he limited his time with Phil, maybe Phil wouldn’t get rid of him as quickly and he could be in heaven a bit longer. But Phil had pulled him back into bed and told him not to be silly, he was where he was wanted and that he loved him. Clint had nearly laughed, but Phil had seemed serious, but Clint knew that nobody really loved him, even his own family. But Phil had kept on holding him, and not kicking him out, and the weeks had turned into years and Clint had started to believe Phil’s lies that he was loved, that he was forever, stupid Clint, stupid.

And now because he had been stupid enough to believe the lies or not understand the truth behind them, he had been totally unprepared for finding out they had been lies.

He couldn’t think what to do. Phil told him what to do but he wouldn’t be doing that anymore. He thought about going to Natasha, but she was hurt, because Clint had been stupid again and hadn’t been watching her like he should have and anyway now Phil was getting rid of him, it probably wouldn’t be long before she kicked him out as well, especially as he got her HURT.

Levering himself off the floor he stood and tried to think what he should do now.

Where could he go? He could go home, but home had been Phil’s apartment in the tower, but Steve might be there with Phil and Clint couldn’t face that, not now, not never. He could go to his apartment, opposite Phil’s, that was hardly ever used, but if he went there JARVIS might tell Phil and then Phil would come to tell him that he wasn’t wanted anymore, because Phil was an honourable man and would want to tell Clint face to face. Phil wouldn’t have phoned him and told him over the phone and so Clint had, had a few more weeks in heaven, dreaming of Phil loving him.

No he couldn’t go to the tower and he certainly couldn’t stay in SHIELD.

He glanced at his watch 02.54, no one would be around and he needed to leave before everyone started coming to work. He couldn’t stand to be around anyone and see their pitying looks, when they realised that he was upset, because Phil had replaced him with Captain America. He couldn’t stand the laughter, when they realised that he had believed he was forever with Phil, stupid Clint.

Clint stumbled out of the room his legs were shaky and his body felt numb with shock and cold. He followed the corridor, falling against the wall and pushing himself upright, he felt almost drunk, but without the euphoria and with all the misery.

When the elevator arrived in the lobby, he wiped his arm over his face to ensure any trace of tears was gone and locked his colt legs under him. He kept his head down, signed himself out and pushed out into the cold New York night.

He still didn’t know where he could go. He recently discovered he had friends; if you could describe an egomaniac billionaire, a guy with huge anger management issues, a Norse god and well, yes, Steve as such; but they had, he thought, started to become friends. Phil had told him off, when he became too sarcastic, or quiet and they had talked more and more even though Clint didn’t always understand what they were talking about, especially Bruce and Tony.

Clint was very fond of Pepper, since she had quietly and efficiently recruited Clint in her battle to reign in Tony’s more unreasonable behaviour and her quite manner had put Clint at ease. She was Phil’s friend though first and foremost. Clint could not go to her or the rest of the team. Again, they would probably think he was even more stupid and he thought they would all probably be happy for Phil and Steve and not want to put up with Clint being miserable.

They would know Steve was a keeper. He did deserve to be in love and to be loved, and really there was no one better in the world than Phil, so he would know how lucky he was to have Phil and they would be happy and smile and probably have a family because Phil secretly loved kids and he knew Steve did too and Clint would have to watch and smile and be happy for them, because they were people who deserved it. But Clint knew he could not do it, he wanted to remember Phil holding him and not kicking him out and kissing him and wanting him, but then he saw Phil kiss Steve.

Clint couldn’t think so he started to walk, he stared to shiver again, as the biting New York wind, bit into his bare, coatless arms.

Clint walked the numbness settling over and in him, one foot after the other.

Clint stopped as he came to the bridge and the great tall towers climbed up into the night sky, hiding from anyone with a care to see. Clint wanted to hide with them, so he started to climb up the huge cables, gradually disappearing from view, with the towers in the night sky.

Clint climbed until the cables ran out and he jumped onto a small ledge here he could hide. Clint lay down along the edge of the ledge peering into the darkness below. He shivered until he stopped and leaned a little more. He would sleep now on the edge and dream of heaven and if the darkness lured him from his nest, into its quiet depths, then he wouldn’t have to wake and live a life without Phil and remember he was so easily replaced.

Clint slipped into unconsciousness.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again for all your lovely comments. They are really helping my confidence and giving me ideas!
> 
> As before I don’t own them, just borrowing

Natasha watched as Phil talked to security and Phil clicked his phone off “They said he left at 3.06 this morning. His phone is still in the building. Where the hell is he?”

Natasha jumped down from the bed, grabbed her phone and immediately phoned Stark.

“Come on Stark, answer your fucking phone,” swore Natasha.

Tony answered, sounding as though he had been woken up. “What’s up gorgeous? Finally giving SHIELD the heave-ho and comi…”

“Shut up Tony” snapped Natasha.

“Agent Barton left SHIELD HQ at 3.06 this morning; find him now. Phone me back as soon as you have his location.”

With that Natasha clicked off her phone then turned to Phil every inch the deadly Black Widow.

“What the hell’s going on Phil? If Clint left medical at 11pm, where was he until he left SHIELD if he wasn’t with you and why the fuck did he not go home?”

Phil was still reeling from the news that Clint was not in medical and for some reason had gone missing, Clint should have been home what had happened?

“Phil”

“Phil, answer me what the hell happened when Clint left me?”

“I don’t know. I don’t understand. Let’s go back to my office we can track where Clint went he left medical.”

As they ran to Phil’s office, he tried to understand where Clint could be. Perhaps he had gone to the range, often Clint needed to let off steam after a bad mission and would shoot arrow after arrow for hours on end, but surely he wouldn’t still be there? He had been seen leaving SHIELD and if he had snuck back in, it didn’t explain why he hadn’t come home when he left or why he wouldn’t just sign back in. Phil ran faster.

When they reached his office Phil logged into the SHIELD security cameras and he and Natasha watched as Clint left medical the previous evening and followed his progress along the corridors of SHIELD HQ. Phil could see he was tired and seemed to be stiff and sore.

They watched as Clint arrived at Phil’s office and with a smile opened the door. They watched as he lost the smile, an expression he never wanted to see replacing it on Clint’s face.

Clint then staggered away from the door and into one of the interview rooms further down the corridor. Phil on seeing the utter devastation on his lovers face gasped, as he realised what Clint had seen when he had opened the door They watched as a few minutes later Phil and Steve emerged from the office and made their way to the elevators, laughing as they went.

Natasha grabbed Phil’s arm and pulled him to face her. Phil had never seen her look so angry.

“What the hell happened Phil? What happened?” Natasha shouted.

“Why did Clint look like that? What have you done?”

Phil muttering a litany of “No, no, no ,no,” answered “Clint saw Steve and me kissing.”

Phil didn’t even see the fist that sent him sprawling on the floor.

Phil lay on the floor slightly dazed. He tried to flex his jaw, but it felt like he had been hit with a brick; but the pain was nothing to what he felt when he realised he had been responsible for that look on Clint’s face.

Phil rushed to try to explain to Natasha. She looked like she was on the verge of finishing what she had started; but although Phil felt he deserved every inch of pain she could give him, he knew his first priority was to find Clint and he couldn’t do that if he couldn’t move.

“It wasn’t like that. Tasha, you know I love Clint more than anything. Steve was confused; he thought he would see what it was like kissing another guy”

“So you thought it was aright to let your idol kiss you when you are in a relationship with my Clint?” Sneered Natasha.

“No, no. Steve didn’t ask, he just kissed me. I pushed him away after a minute; I was just so shocked with what was happening, it took me a minute to react.”

Natasha was still glaring daggers at him.

“If anything has happened to him; you and Mr high and mighty Captain America are dead. Do you understand?”

“Natasha, our first priority is to find Clint, so I can explain all this and we can get him home. You can do what you want with me then”

“Where did he go next?” asked Natasha, suddenly all business again.

Phil fast forwarded, until they saw Clint emerge from the interview room several hours later. He was staggering and crying, barely able to walk.

Phil’s heart clenched, he couldn’t believe that a silly mistake has caused Clint’s distress. Clint seemed so small and frail not his usual strong and robust self.  
They watched as he wiped away the tears and left the elevator walking out of SHIELD with his head down.

Phil felt tears slide down his face. What the hell had he done? It had taken him years to convince Clint he loved him and they were forever and in a few seconds he could see that that had all been undone and Clint was shattered. National icon or not, Phil might have to kill Steve if anything had happened to Clint.

Natasha’s phone rang and she put it on speaker.

“Stark, where is he?”

“Jarvis is tracing him now; he lost him a minute in a black spot. Just trying to get the satellites online, a few more minutes and we should have him.”

“I’m on my way to HQ with the team now. What’s happened? Why are we trying to trace Barton?”

Tony had obviously realised something was seriously wrong from Natasha’s phone call and for once was not being his obnoxious self.

“Clint saw Phil and Steve kissing he’s gone missing,” barked Natasha.

Phil hear the gasp, Steve was obviously with Tony.

“Oh god, Phil I’m so sorry, you told him what happened right? He knows it wasn’t you right?” said Steve.

Phil heard Banner saying “Steve what the hell!” and Tony’s “Steve!” He cut into the exclamations on the other end of the phone.

“I haven’t spoken to Clint; he looked into the room when we kissed and left as soon as he saw us. I didn’t know he had seen us until just now. We have to find him now”

Tony answered, “we will be there in a couple of minutes Jarvis should have his location by then He’s just hacking into some more satellites now.”

Natasha stood glaring at Phil and Phil wiped away the tears from his face, Natasha expression softened slightly.

Phil pulled on his Agent Coulson persona and looked at Natasha; pleading for her understanding. “Natasha, I need you to promise not to kill Steve, we’ll find Clint and he’ll realise it was all silly mistake. We will put this behind us and he would be upset if you had killed Captain America” said Phil, hoping to avoid an even worse situation when Natasha met Steve again.

It had to be alright, it had to be, but deep down Phil realised that it would be very hard for Clint to get over this. He remembered the devastation in his lovers face, as he had staggered down the corridor and the defeat and despair in his body as he had let SHIELD. They just had to find him…now.

Meanwhile as Steve, Tony and Bruce sped towards SHIELD HQ; Steve tried to explain what had happened. Tony and Bruce were shouting at him and Bruce, looked an unhealthy shade of green.

“I’ve really messed up. I didn’t know Phil was seeing anyone, let alone Clint. I would never have kissed him if I had known. Phil was completely innocent, he pushed me away as soon as he realised what I was doing.”

Bruce said “so you kissed Phil, why?”

“I am so, so sorry I just… I just wanted to see what it was like. I sorta like someone and it seemed like a chance just to see if I was totally repulsed by kissing a man.”

Tony shouted at Steve. “Then why the hell didn’t you just kiss Bruce instead of messing Phil up in all this? It’s him you want to kiss anyway.”  
Bruce and Steve looked at Tony and then turned to each other.

Bruce looked at Steve with astonishment,”Wh..”

Steve sputtered “Tony, what the hell?”

“Look Steve” said Tony. “You’d have to be blind not to see the way you have been watching Bruce; especially when he is bent over his work bench” Steve blushed a deep red

“Stop pussy footing around before this gets even more of a mess and ask him on a goddamn date.”

Steve looked at Bruce, still a bright red. “I think we need to talk; but right now we need to find Clint.”

As they arrived at HQ Tony turned to Steve and said “if I was you I wouldn’t get to close to Romanov until we have Barton safely at home.”

This proved to be sound advice, as, as soon as they disembarked and entered SHIELD HQ, they were met with Phil; and Steve was met with Natasha’s fist.

Steve looked up at Natasha and said “I’m so sorry Natasha I didn’t know Clint and Phil were involved. I would never have kissed Phil if I had known, I’m so sorry.”

Natasha not looking at all forgiving glared at Steve and said “We will talk of this later; you’d better pray he’s alright.”

Steve shivered and realised how Natasha had earned her reputation as the Black Widow; even though he had seen her fight; he had never seen this calm murderous visage.

Tony spoke up. “Jarvis has found Clint, or at least his last sighting. Let’s go.”

They all strode off and Steve clambered to his feet and trailed after them  
Tony explained as they went. “Jarvis traced Clint to the East Side Bridge. He could be seen climbing and then cameras lost him. The satellites can’t see because of the cabling.”

“I’ll suit up and go check the location; it will be quickest. I’ll report back as soon as I have him secured.” Tony activated his wrist bracelet and suited up, taking off and heading east.

Tony flew straight to the bridge getting Jarvis to scan for life signs on the bridges structure as he approached.

“Sir, I am detecting a weak life sign on the west support tower, 3.6 feet below the top. There appears to be a small ledge with a body on it.”

Tony, following Jarvis directions flew to the small ledge. As he looked down he could see Clint on his side teetering on the edge. He looked to be asleep or unconscious; Tony didn’t want to think about the other alternative. It was a miracle he hadn’t fallen off. He knew Clint was comfortable in high places but this was beyond dangerous. Tony hovered as close to Clint as he could and Jarvis conducted a full body scan.

”Sir, Mr Barton’s life signs are getting weaker, his body core temperature is eighty nine degrees F, heart rate 37 , he is suffering from severe hypothermia and he requires medical attention immediately.”

“Coulson” said Tony. “Did you hear that; get medical to the roof now. Give them our ETA.”

Jarvis could be heard “Sir should be back at SHIELD Headquarters in 5. 4 minutes”

Coulson voice unsteady said “just get him here Stark, we’ll be ready”

With that Tony gently gathered Clint in his arms and headed as fast he could go without causing Clint further distress towards SHIELD HQ. On the way he switched his channel to Jarvis to private.

“What are his chances Jarvis?” Clint felt cold and still, white in his arms and if Jarvis hadn’t have said he was alive, Tony would have thought they were too late.

“Sir, reported cases with severe hypothermia report a between 48% and 95% chance or mortality, but sir, Mr Barton temperature is at the lower end of the scale this will significantly increase his risk. He will require extracorporeal re-warming to bring his core temperature back up as soon as possible and this is very risky with his low heart rate. I estimate a 82% chance Mr Barton will not survive”

Tony listened to this and sped up a little more.

 

Outside SHIELD HQ a medical crew with a stretcher stood ready, with Phil, Natasha, Bruce and Steve waiting anxiously by them. Tony touched down and placed Clint onto the waiting stretcher. He was immediately covered in blankets by medical staff and they sped off heading towards the infirmary.

Phil stood in shock at seeing how pale and still Clint had looked.

“I don’t now if we found him in time,” said Tony.

Phil paled further and ran off towards the infirmary. With one last glare at Steve, Natasha followed.

Steve, Tony and Bruce stood outside HQ looking at each other wondering how the hell they were ever going to get past this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> By the way you may have guessed that I have no medical knowledge whatsoever other that what the internet can provide. So please excuse any inaccuracies or plain made up stuff


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still not mine

The Avengers, except Natasha who was sat at Clint’s bedside, were gathered outside Clint’s medical room. 

Phil was slumped with his head in his hands on one of the chairs in the corner. The Black Widow had been very vocal about who was going to be in the room with Clint when he woke ……’if he woke up’ thought Phil. Natasha had refused him entry to the room, still furious with the mess that had left Clint in his current state, fighting for his life; but it looked unfortunately like Clint wasn’t fighting and that was part of the problem. Clint was a very strong individual and had fought his way back from impossible situations before, but Phil kept imagining Clint’s face as he looked in the door of Phil’s office and as he left HQ and Phil knew that fighting was not on Clint’s agenda now. He had given up.

Phil was just thankful they had found him before he had slipped of his perch on the bridge at least he stood a chance, a small one though. The doctors had been out and spoke to them all saying that they had started to get Agent Barton’s temperature back up but this was a long slow process so as not to cause a shock to his heart. This was going quite well but they still had many hours to go and it wouldn’t be until Clint woke that they would know if there was any long term damage to his heart or mind or any other complications. 

Tony and Steve were on the opposite side of the room and Phil kept catching words angrily uttered by them. “I didn’t”, “doesn’t matter”, “but”, “the cellist”. Steve looked abashed and kept shooting apologetic looks at Coulson and then guilty looks at the window to Clint’s room. Pepper eventually arrived and dragged Tony away; muttering about “Tony not helping” and “now was not the time”.

Dr Banner, Bruce, was sat quietly by Phil studiously avoiding looking at Steve and Tony and obviously practising his breathing techniques. He had spent a short time speaking to the SHIELD Drs after they had addressed the team and had sat done with a sad look that had scared Phil more than what the Drs had said. 

Phil sat thinking about what he would do without Clint and he realised that it was just not going to happen. Clint needed him. Clint had acted like this because he thought he had lost Phil, so Phil had to let Clint know that this wasn’t true. Clint would never lose Phil, at least not by his actions and he was going to do all he could to not let any one else’s actions cause that too. 

Phil needed to let Clint know he loved him and that Clint could fight to come back to him. 

Phil, letting out a deep breadth, stood up suddenly and stepped towards the door to Clint’s room. 

“I’m going to sit with Clint, he needs me”

Bruce stood up placing a hand on Phil’s arm, “Phil, Natasha was pretty clear”

“I don’t care what Natasha says my place is with Clint. He has to know there’s a reason to fight. I…love him; I have to make sure he knows”.

“He’s unconscious Phil, it will be many hours if…. when he wakes”.

“He’ll know”.

Phil pulled his arm from Bruce’s grip and strode through the door. 

Natasha looked up from where she was holding Clint’s hand, wires and tubes trailing from Clint who lay on the hospital bed. 

“Sir I have to ask” started one of the Dr’s in the room as Natasha glared at Phil.

“No, I am not leaving” Phil said, staring right into Natasha’s eyes. “Clint needs to know he has something to fight for….Us”.

Phil walked forward and being careful of the wires, tubes and medical staff stood next to Clint, leaned over, kissed him on the forehead and quietly said in his ear

“Come back to me Clint, I love you, always you, forever you”

Phil didn’t care who heard what, as long as Clint heard. So as the medical staff changed tubes, bags, tanks etc, taking readings whilst Natasha sat and held Clint’s hand; Phil stood stroking Clint’s hair and whispered words of love and forever in Clint’s ear.

The following morning found the Avengers still in the waiting room with the addition of Fury who was holding a low conversation with Stark and Pepper. 

Fury had returned from Washington DC that morning and had ended up in medical when he hadn’t been able to contact Agent Coulson that morning and on investigating that impossible phenomenon, had discovered that Coulson had been in medical since yesterday and was not answering any calls, requests or demands for his presence. 

Fury when he had arrived had been met with the news of Agent Barton’s condition and the pieces had clicked into place in Fury’s mind confirming his long held suspicions that Coulson and Barton were more than handler and asset. 

Pepper and Tony had filled him in on the events of the previous days and Fury made a mental note to ensure that whoever had not informed him of this, would be having a sudden transfer to a very far away, preferably, very cold, posting. 

Phil and he were friends, they went for the occasional drink and reminisced over their Ranger days, but he was not Phil’s confident and he could understand how Phil had felt the need to keep his feelings for Barton private. Phil knew that Fury found the archer irritating and although Fury knew he was one of the best assets Shield had, Phil had to know that Fury would have thought Barton was not good enough for Phil and that he had once referred to him as a bit of a slut. Well Fury now knew why that hadn’t gone down so well. 

Bruce waking up to the sounds of voices, looked at his watch, stood, looked through the window and said a quite “good”. 

Fury, Stark and Pepper turned to look at him and Stark asked “what?”

“Well it’s been over 20 hours now the fact he’s still with us is good news”. 

They had all been frantic the previous evenings when all the alarms had suddenly sounded; from within Clint’s room and they had seen the medical staff push Phil and Natasha out of the way. The team had stood there whilst the frantic movements had continued in the room and had only sat down when Phil returned to Clint’s side and began caressing his hair again and the could see the movements of Phil’s mouth as he continued to speak to Clint. 

Throughout the night they had all dozed on and off, except Steve who sat silently in the corner, blankly staring at the door to Clint’s room. 

Fury asked Bruce. “So, what’s the prognosis?”

Bruce glanced at Steve before answering.

“Well it depends really; very low temperatures can cause decreased cellular activity in hypothermia so although there is a risk of brain damage, hopefully it will be small. His heart will have been under tremendous strain, which was what happened yesterday evening and there is a risk that this could lead to some permanent damage. He will need to be on antibiotics to prevent any risk of pneumonia and he will need a decent recovery time whilst his organs recover form the stresses and strains, but as I said that fact that he is still with us is a good sign”

At this point Steve shot out of his chair and into the small bathroom attached. The sound of vomiting could be heard. 

Tony and Bruce looked at each other and Bruce nodded and made his way over to the bathroom door. 

Fury took a seat and prayed to any one who would listen, that Barton would recover. This could destroy the Avengers and Phil; well he wouldn’t like to guess what Phil would do if he lost Clint over this.

Inside Clint’s room Natasha once again asked Phil to sit down. He had been standing talking to Clint for hours, his voice was starting to croak and he looked as though he would not be able to stand for much longer; as it was he was leaning heavily against the bed, but as before Phil shook his head and continued whispering pleas and words of love to Clint. 

Most of the medical staff had now left the room and there were fewer tubes and wires attached to Clint he still had the mask covering his face and there was the quiet beeping of the monitors. 

Natasha clung to Clint’s hand willing him to open his eyes, her anger at Phil and Steve temporarily forgotten in her concern for Clint. ‘Please Clint, Please just wake up, please’. 

Phil looked down at Clint’s beautiful face, even with the mask obscuring his lower face; Phil still thought he was stunning. Phil had been so lucky when Clint had agreed to a date him. Clint had a bit of a reputation and although Phil had been concerned that Clint would sleep with him and dump him straight away or even get bored of him before they got to that stage, he had thought that to have a few hours in Clint’s arms would be worth it. 

Later of course Phil found out all the misconceptions about Clint. 

Clint had been his usual confident cocky self on their first date right up until he didn’t ask him in for drinks. Clint had looked sad and trailed off with his head down. The following day Clint had seemed surprised when Phil had asked him on another date. 

The next signs that all was not well, was when after they finally had glorious loving sex; Clint had seemed antsy like he expected Phil to ask him to leave at any moment. 

About two weeks after this Clint had actually told him that he didn’t have to let him stay he’d still have sex with him. Later they had talked and Clint had explained about all the people who wanted Clint’s body but didn’t actually want him. Phil had spent a lot of time convincing Clint that Phil definitely wanted all of him. 

For the last couple of years Clint had basked in their loving relationship and Phil had thought that Clint was finally secure in his love.

Obviously Clint’s reaction to Phil’s believed betrayal meant that wasn’t true. Why hadn’t Clint confronted them? Believed in Phil? Believed in them? Phil knew Clint was insecure, the loss of his parents, his brother’s betrayal and the string of so called lovers had done a number on Clint’s self worth but that Clint didn’t believe in them after all these years cut Phil to the quick. 

Clint had been so devastated he clearly wasn’t thinking straight. Phil refused to believe that Clint meant any real harm to himself, he was just confused. ‘Yes’, a little voice said, ‘confused enough to go out in freezing temperatures with no coat; confused enough to climb onto a tiny ledge where he had been inches away from falling to his death’

Phil knew that there would be some serious discussions to be held, when Clint recovered and although Clint hated psych some sessions were seriously needed and if he knew SHIELD, which off course he did, would be mandatory. After, off course, Phil made sure he knew how much he was loved. 

First however Phil had to convince Clint to wake up. So Phil carried on murmuring to Clint and stroking his hair right up to the moment he looked into the beautiful blue eyes of his lover.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Sildominarin for the info re body tempreture, please excuse any further errors. Thank you to all who have been reading.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay everyone.
> 
> A major thanks to lonelyphoenix85 for offering to Beta this work. I am sure you will be able to see the difference she has made to this chapter!
> 
> Thank you also to all those who have commented or sent Kudos it is really gratifying to receive these and gives me confidence to carry on.
> 
> As before still not mine, only borrowing.

When Clint finally regained consciousness he felt exhausted – his chest was killing him, and he could hear the beeping that meant he was waking, once again, in medical.

 

Just above the sound of the machines he could hear the quiet, familiar murmurings that told him Phil was keeping watch over him as always, keeping him safe. No doubt he'd get a lecture about taking risks from his lover when he was released...

 

Clint lay still, trying to remember what had happened – why he was in medical this time.

He didn't think he'd been shot or injured...no. He remembered the cold...

 

He remembered Nat being hurt, because he hadn't been paying attention.

 

They'd gotten back to HQ, and he'd seen Natasha settled into a warm, safe bed with some not unexpected protests and a great deal of irritated grumbling from her. The doctor had released him after a cursory examination, and his attempt to stay with Nat had been met with an admonishment that he was most certainly not going to stay and bother her all night, thank you very much – he had someone to go home to, and if she heard from Phil that he'd done otherwise...

 

Phil.

 

With a rush of emotion, of _pain_ , Clint's eyes shot open.

 

The pain in his chest was dwarfed by the pain that filled his heart even as he rushed to deny it, to swear blind it had all been a bad dream...

 

Phil was here – one hand softly resting on Clint's hair even as the other grasped tightly to one of his.

 

It was a dream...

 

His eyes found Phil's, took in his scared, hopeful expression...

 

“Clint, thank god! We were so worried – I...I thought I was going to lose you...”

 

A spark of guilt in there as he trailed off...not much, but Clint had been well-trained – that small expression, those words...

 

Phil wasn't _only_ referring to what had put him in medical.

 

Which begged the question _Why?_  

Why was Phil here? Why did he care, now that he had Steve? Now that he had the man who had been the focus of his obsession forever...why was he here, taunting Clint with what he'd lost?

 

Clint closed his eyes, and wished for the first time in a long time that Phil would just leave. It was too painful to look at him.

 

“Go,” he murmured softly, before steeling his voice, “please, _please_ just go.”

 

He pulled his hand free, turning his head away from the soft touch as he spoke. He curled towards the far side of the bed, away from the false concern, away from the pity.

He took a deep breath to stem the rising tide of emotion, but it caught in his chest.

 

A moment of disconnect before he realised that it had quite literally caught there. The pain was a physical thing now. He froze as his whole chest burned with it, vaguely aware of the alarms blaring distantly in the room. He couldn't breathe. His whole world had suddenly become limited to the weight crushing his chest, and even Phil faded into the background because if he couldn't breathe...

 

He left the thought drifting as Nat's voice broke through the growing fog, giving him an order he didn't know how to follow right now – telling him to “Breathe Clint! For fuck's sake breathe!”

 

As consciousness finally began to flee he caught a whisper of panicked cries that sounded like Phil.

 

His last conscious thought was that it was really not fair of his mind to taunt him with tricks, to dangle hope in front of him – because the panic sounded _real_ dammit! - when he couldn't even breath, and shit, what if he was dying?! What if he never got to hear that voice again?

 

Suddenly those fading cries seemed all too precious, despite it all, and he clung to them until everything went black.

_AVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVA_

Natasha and Phil found themselves quickly hustled from the room by the medical staff that swarmed as the alarms began to blare, to shocked to fight back, to refuse to leave...

 

They stood with the rest of the team, watching helplessly as the doctors again fought to keep Clint in the land of the living.

 

Phil's gaze was fixed, eyes glued to the scene beyond the window as he prayed silently that Clint would survive.

 

He hardly dared to ask for more, but he couldn't help the thought that slipped in, that tagged itself onto the end of the prayer – he couldn't help praying that Clint, despite his pained plea for Phil to leave, had somehow heard and maybe even believed his whispered words of the past few hours.

 

It felt like an eternity, but eventually the team in the room beyond the glass calmed in their movements, and the machines settled into a more reassuring rhythm of beeps.

 

As Clint's medical proxy Phil had already given the doctor permission to speak with all of the Avengers on Clint's condition, and when a doctor finally came out into the adjoining room where they all waited Phil was glad of it since it allowed Dr Matthews to address the room as a whole – Phil couldn't have torn his gaze away from the window for anything less than Clint himself at that point.

 

He listened keenly as the doctor spoke, and only the sight of Clint, alive in the room beyond, kept the panic from crushing him.

 

“Agent Barton suffered a small heart attack, likely caused by a sudden drop in blood pressure. We've stabilised him, and we're hopeful that there will be no lasting damage from the event. It's important now that we keep him calm, keep him quiet and still to avoid a repeat occurrence – his body temperature hasn't quite returned to a normal range yet, and further distress in his present condition significantly raises the risk of repeat attacks, and consequently the possibility of permanent damage to his heart.”

 

“Agent Coulson...”

 

Phil could feel all eyes in the room on him, but he still couldn't turn away from Clint...

 

“Agent Coulson.”

 

Dr Matthews pressed on regardless of his seeming inattention – he'd been around the friends and families of patients enough to know that they were always listening, even when they couldn't stand to look at him in case he bore bad news.

 

“The nurse reported that Agent Barton became agitated on waking and seeing you. I'm sorry but in light of this I must insist that only medical personnel have access to the room at present.”

 

Natasha would argue with that, Phil was sure...

 

“Of course Dr Matthews – we'll all do what's best for Clint's recovery,” he said before she could get a word out.

 

She could glare at him all she liked – the last thing Phil wanted was for Clint to take a turn for the worst, and if that meant they had to watch him through a window, that they had to leave him to wake up alone...as much as that thought hurt, the thought of Clint getting worse, of Clint _dying_...that was infinitely worse. So yes, she could glare at him, but he wasn't going to let even her argue with the doctor on this one.

 

He ignored the small voice that pointed out that there was a very good reason Clint hadn't wanted to see him, and that Natasha would likely not induce a similar panic in his lover. It was selfish, he knew, but he couldn't help it right now – he didn't have the strength to fight the jealous impulse that he'd thought he'd long since conquered where Natasha was concerned.

 

Phil could hear the frustration in her voice as she decided not to argue – she knew when to pick her fights and when to leave them, it was one of the reasons she was the best at what she did. She'd obviously decided this wasn't a fight worth picking.

 

“When will he wake up? When can I take him home?”

 

It was a sign of how worried she'd been that she barely even attempted to conceal her impatience and annoyance.

 

“The longer he sleeps the better – his body needs time to recover and repair the damage done to it. Having said that, we can't risk giving him a sedative in his present condition – in all likelihood he will wake within the next few hours. I cannot stress enough how vital it is that he be allowed to rest, even then...no exposure to anything distressing, nothing that will put any strain on his system.”

 

“I'd like to keep him for observation for a while. As I said yesterday, his hypothermia was extreme – there is a precedent of long term problems, both physical and cognitive, in cases like this. That he spoke and recognised you on waking is encouraging, and he is lucky in that he appears to have avoided any permanent skin damage from the frostbite. Our biggest worry now is the possibility of damage to his heart – he has suffered two episodes of heart failure so far, any more and there is a chance of irreparable damage being done to the heart muscle – if it hasn't been already. We'll be able to do more tests when his body temperature has been normalised, and when he regains consciousness.”

 

Phil could feel Natasha's gaze on him even before she spoke.

 

“Clint had a bad reaction to something that happened after he was released from medical last – I need to speak to him as soon as...”

 

“Nat,” Phil cut in, voice soft but sure, “it should be me – I need to explain, to let him know how much he means to me. How...”

 

“Agent Coulson,” she interrupted, her voice calm, almost menacing. “Clint had a heart attack at the sight of you by his bed. He asked you to leave. I told you once what would happen if you ever hurt him – you will stay out of that room until Clint says otherwise, or I will follow through on that promise...I don't make idle threats, not even to you Phil.”

 

At this, Phil had finally turned from the window.

 

His hurt at her statement, his fear for Clint, the heartbreak he was currently suffering...it all must have been written clearly on his face, because her face relaxed and she spoke again.

 

“I know you didn't mean to hurt him, but with his history it's not going to be easy to get him to see that Phil. His health takes priority over your guilt right now – I'll talk to him, and you can see him when he feels up to it, okay?”

 

A rush of gratitude filled him at her words. Maybe everything wasn't ruined – not if Natasha still trusted him.

 

Natasha turned to Steve, the almost softness that had been present a moment earlier disappearing as her eyes turned cold and hard.

 

“And you...you get the hell out of here, now.”

 

She turned to watch Clint through the window, ignoring the reproofs from Pepper and Fury at her statement.

 

Steve looked down and his voice was full of self-recrimination when he spoke.

 

“She's right – Clint wouldn't want me here. This whole thing is my fault.”

 

Whether she heard Steve's response or not Phil wasn't sure, but he hoped she had – it might help.

 

Tony walked slowly over to Steve, getting right into his personal space and resting a hand on his shoulder, waiting until Steve raised his eyes to him before speaking.

 

For once his voice was empty of the usual mocking tone that characterised all of his interactions with the super-soldier.

 

“Steve, what you did was stupid – seriously, I know I'm hardly one to talk with my history, but yeah stupid covers it nicely.”

 

Steve looked like he was going to interrupt and Tony held up a hand to stop him.

 

“It wasn't malicious though. You didn't know about Phil and Clint, and I'm pretty sure you'll never forget to ask someone first again, right?”

 

At Steve's miserable nod he continued.

 

“So trust that everything will work out – and once Bird-boy is up and sneaking through the vents in the tower with his arrows again you may want to watch your ass,” Tony finished with a smirk that made even Natasha grin a little, Phil noticed out of the corner of his eye.

 

“Stark's right Steve,” said Phil, quickly shooting a warning glare at said genius to stop whatever snarky comment was about to spring forth at that before it could start. “I'm not saying Clint won't be angry, but he'll deal with it once he knows the truth. You just hit a sore spot with a level of accuracy even he would envy. It'll be okay.”

 

As long as Clint is.

 

That bit he couldn't bring himself to voice out loud, but his mind stubbornly supplied the thought anyway.

Dr Matthews had been watching the whole exchange silently, a look of curiosity barely hidden. Not daring to voice it, he instead waited for the conversation to finish before speaking.

 

“I will let you know when I believe Agent Barton is able to receive visitors again, but I must insist that no-one who is likely to distress him be allowed in the room, and that visitors are limited to one at a time.”

Natasha turned from the window to level a look at each of the team individually before stating calmly “I'm first. Phil you're off the list for now, sorry. Steve – you're lucky I haven't thrown you out, try and go near that room and I won't be held responsible. The rest of you sort it out yourselves.”

 

With that she returned to her vigil.

 

“If no-one has any more questions...?”

 

A few muttered “no”s and “thank you”s echoed in the room and Dr Matthews beat a hasty retreat to his patient's side, pausing only briefly when Director Fury approached him.

 

“Doctor, Agent Barton is not to be discharged until he has undergone a full psych evaluation and the report is sitting on my desk, are we clear?”

 

Phil flinched back at the implication in the Director's words to the doctor.

 

They cut twice as deep because he couldn't refute it – not with confidence.

 

He watched as Dr Matthews nodded and continued on through the door, his confusion and curiosity even plainer on his face than before.

 

Steve backed up and collapsed into a chair in the far corner of the room, and Phil didn't think he'd have ever believed he could see Captain America looking so miserable, so broken...

 

He'd seen him come back from missions where he hadn't been quick enough, where people had been hurt or died because he couldn't save them, but this...this was a new level of miserable. This time someone had been hurt by his actions, not his lack of action, and it seemed to have hit the man hard.

 

Phil was glad when he saw Bruce grab a bottle of water and join him. If anyone could sympathise with him, could make him feel better about having inadvertently hurt someone he cared for, it was Bruce.

 

The man had more experience with that than any good man deserved to have to deal with.

 

Fury, after talking to the Doctor, stalked to Phil and gave him the most basic (and yet the most seemingly impossible) of orders - “Sort it Phil.” - before leaving.

 

Phil collapsed in the nearest chair, turning it to face the window to Clint's room.

 

His muscles were killing him from standing hunched over Clint's bed for hours. His throat was sore, and his eyes were gritty.

 

None of that mattered.

 

The only thing Phil cared about right now was Clint.

 

Clint getting well, Clint forgiving him, and Clint back in his arms where he belonged.

 

_AVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVA_

 

Natasha was at a loss.

 

As the Black Widow she always knew what to do. It was her job to. She'd been trained, and trained well, to always have a plan.

 

So why didn't she? Why now, when it was so important, when it mattered so much...why was now the time her training deserted her?

 

Why didn't she know how to do this?

 

It had been several hours of agonising waiting before Dr Matthews had finally returned with some good news – Clint was starting to stir, and would likely wake up soon. He'd come straight over to her, informing her that she could, if she was careful, go and sit with him ready so that he didn't wake alone.

 

Now here she was, sat holding Clint's hand – Clint's warm hand, his pulse strong under her fingers as she slid them to his wrist gently – trying to decide what to say to him when he woke.

 

If she tried to bring up Phil and Steve straight off she risked agitating him again, risked him hurting physically.

 

But if she didn't then she left him hurting emotionally.

 

She left him feeling betrayed, abandoned...

 

Hopeless.

 

Clint had never believed he deserved good things in life, not before Phil.

 

It had taken them both years to trust that Phil wouldn't hurt him, that he truly cared for Clint.

 

When Clint had finally believed it, it had been incredible.

 

She wasn't even truly sure that that trust _could_ be repaired, not now. And until it was he would shut himself down.

 

She only hoped that he wouldn't shut her out too.

 

It had taken him years to see how much she loved him.

 

Years after that dirty alley, when he had looked her in the eyes and instead of loosing an arrow, he loosed his bow instead, and offered her his hand. Offered her a second chance.

 

Once she had worked her way past the initial mistrust she had loved him for it – he had become the brother she'd never had (or never known if she did, she thought with a touch of bitterness before dismissing it – Clint's issues, not hers, got centre stage today).

 

His sarcasm, his somewhat abrupt way of dealing with people – they were a cover, a strong, thick cover, for a gentle soul who'd been hurt too many times.

 

She'd been the first he'd let under that cover, but Phil – Phil had gotten the deepest, and she wasn't sure he could recover from this new hurt.

 

She didn't know how to help him.

 

Clint had always protected her, right from that very first meeting, and it was up to her to protect him right back.

 

If she thought Clint would be better off without Phil, she wouldn't even hesitate to tell him so, no matter that Coulson hadn't truly been at fault...

 

...but she knew...she _knew_ how happy, truly happy, Clint had been with Phil.

 

She just didn't know how best to explain things to Clint.

 

Natasha sat silently with Clint as he stirred, until his eyes eventually fluttered open.

 

The soul-deep pain that settled in those eyes within moments stole away any hesitation Natasha might still have had the moment he turned to face her.

 

“Phil's as likely to cheat on you as I am to enter a beauty pageant and wish for world peace – Steve kissed him, and he pushed him away as soon as he got over the shock.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Huge thanks again to lonelyphoenix85 for working her magic as beta for this. The difference she is making to this story is awesome!
> 
> Also thanks for all those who have commented and sent kudos, apologies if I haven’t replied individually but each comment is really appreciated.
> 
> As always I do not own, Marvel have that honour!

Clint could feel a hand in his when consciousness dawned. The grip was one he'd recognise anywhere – Natasha.

 

He could count on one hand the number of times she'd been this demonstrative in public – and they were in public, he could hear the constant _beep beep beep_ of the heart monitor beside the bed.

 

It wasn't that she didn't care – he knew she had her reputation to protect, they both did. If the world knew the Black Widow had a heart...that she gave reassuring hand squeezes and even, on very rare occasions, _hugs_...

 

So the fact that she had been holding his hand long enough that he could feel the temperature difference in it to his arm was worrying.

 

A small voice in his head offered up that his life was seriously screwed up if a comforting gesture could scare him so much – he ignored it in favour of forcing his eyes open.

 

His eyes found hers, but before he could get a word out she was speaking.

 

“Phil's as likely to cheat on you as I am to enter a beauty pageant and wish for world peace – ”

 

Clint choked back a snort of laughter at the instant mental image of Nat on-stage in a swimsuit and heels smiling demurely and giggling like the stereotypical beauty contestant, but his amusement was short-lived when her next words brought the memories of the last day back full-force.

 

“ – Steve kissed _him_ , and he pushed him away as soon as he got over the shock.”

 

Phil had...

 

Clint couldn't even finish the thought.

 

His inner cynic chuckled darkly that his first instinct was to squeeze his eyes shut in an attempt to block out the image of the two of them. As if that could make him un-see it! It was seared into his mind – Phil in Steve's arms, Phil's lips on Steve's, Phil's arms hanging loosely to his sides...

 

Clint mentally froze.

 

Phil's arms...

 

How had he missed it before?

 

Suddenly Clint didn't want the image gone. He focused relentlessly on it, forcing back the slightly sick feeling inside to zero in on the details he'd missed originally.

 

Phil's arms hanging loosely at his sides.

 

His eyes wide with shock.

 

The tension in the small muscles of his neck as his head strained to pull backwards.

 

They weren't the signs of a man wanting to be kissed.

 

“Phil didn't...”

 

He almost didn't dare to say it out loud.

 

Even as sure as he was of what he had seen now, he almost didn't dare to hope.

 

“дурак ястреба – as if Phil would cheat on you!”

 

Natasha's tone was chiding now.

 

“Steve's a grade-A идиот – he thought Phil would make a good test-case for what it felt like to kiss a guy...apparently the Captain has a thing for our temperamental doctor.”

Nat sounded like she wanted to throw Steve around the gym for a few hours, but she didn't sound like she wanted to kill him.

 

That, more than any belief that he was truly worth Phil's commitment and fidelity, convinced Clint that it was the truth.

 

Phil still loved him. Still wanted him.

 

Of course, none of that explained how he'd once again wound up in medical.

 

Everything after fleeing Phil's office was a blur.

 

A quick round of tense-and-relax with all the major muscle groups revealed an incredibly painful ache in his chest, and he couldn't help thinking that it was going to make using his bow painful for a week or two.

 

Beyond the ache there was only a generally sluggish feeling that seemed to be growing, and his vision was becoming increasingly blurred as time passed.

 

There were a few things that could account for those symptoms, and the more he tried to concentrate the more he struggled to do so. In the end, he gave up, and asked.

 

“Why am I in medical Nat? I don't remember getting hurt...”

 

At the look on her face, Clint suddenly wished he could take back his words.

 

The fond, almost exasperated look was replaced by one that, in the field, had sent many a bigger man than he running terrified. She was furious.

 

That he could see a grain of the fear her fury stemmed from beneath it was a mark of how long they'd known each other – he doubted a soul alive outside of this room would've been able to spot it.

 

“Well, apparently you were disappointed you didn't freeze to death on our last mission.”

 

Nat's tone was flippant, but the look on her face said everything her words didn't. She wasn't sure she was joking...

 

He opened his mouth, determined to contradict her, but she cut him off before he could utter a sound.

 

“Don't. Don't lie to me – you went out into New York, in the middle of winter, without even a jacket. Then you climbed the tallest bridge you could find, and proceeded to take _a **nap**_ on the edge of one of the supports.”

 

When she put it that way, it really didn't sound like something a sane person would do...

 

“You weren't thinking – I get that Clint, I really do, but don't tell me the thought never crossed your mind...not after what you thought you'd seen. We lie enough everyday, but never to each other – don't start lying to me now.”

 

He wanted to tell her she was wrong, he really did, but there was so much of that night that he couldn't remember. Just the memory of how he'd felt, fleeing the building as he had, was enough that he couldn't outright discount the possibility.

 

He'd hurt. He'd hurt so much and he'd just wanted it to stop.

 

He hadn't gone out with the intention of doing anything drastic – that much he was sure of – but he couldn't swear to it that he hadn't been indifferent at best to his own continued existence.

 

Sure, he liked heights, but he'd never attempted to sleep anywhere where falling to his death was even a slight possibility before.

 

How could he explain it to Nat though?

 

 “I...Okay, I won't lie Nat, I swear – I didn't go up there with the intention of jumping. I didn't go out with the intention of freezing either, by the way. I can't remember every thought that went through my mind, so I won't say I didn't think about...” he swallowed a lump back, “...about maybe not being here to deal with things, but I swear I wasn't looking for a way out. You know I like heights – they make me feel safe...”

 

Her half snort of disbelief at his words made him grimace, and he clutched tightly at the hand still gripping his.

 

“...I was just so tired Nat – I got up there, and I just needed the world to go away for a bit.”

 

As he spoke, his memory grew clearer. He'd been cold, although it had hardly registered at the time. His whole being had hurt, and he had just wanted it all to go away, just for a few minutes. He'd closed his eyes, and he'd thought...

 

...he'd thought that perhaps falling might not be so bad.

 

Well shit.

 

Nat was going to kill him when he told her. He felt the hint of a smirk on his lips at the irony.

 

“I'm sorry Nat...I really am – I was weak...”

 

“You were hurt,” she corrected firmly even as he continued.

 

“...I guess I just figured what would be would be. I didn't have the energy to care about what might happen up there...”

 

The heart-break in her eyes was more than Clint could bear, so he pulled out his favourite defense mechanism.

 

“Besides, you know I only jump from insane heights when Ironman or the Hulk are around to catch me,” he said, flashing her a grin that was as brittle and forced as the smile she shot him in return.

 

Clint took a moment, glancing around the otherwise empty room. He couldn't see anyone through either the door or the window.

 

If Phil hadn't cheated...if he didn't want to leave...then where was he?

 

Why wasn't he here, with him?

 

Clint felt a sudden rush of panic.

 

Did Phil think he'd tried to kill himself too? Had he left, thinking that Clint was too broken, too damaged to be worth his time, his energy...his love...?

 

Oh God, he couldn't breathe!

 

“Where's Phil Nat?” he gasped out, the words little more than a choked off whisper.

 

“Shit! You need to calm down, right now – I swear to God if you panic yourself into another heart-attack I will hide your bow for a _month_! Phil's right outside, so calm down and breathe, дурак!”

 

Natasha's threat was just what he needed to startle him out of his panic, as it turned out.

 

He gulped down a few breaths, fixing his eyes on the door as though he could will Phil to appear. When that didn't work he settled his gaze back on Nat, and when his pulse had returned to normal he found the energy to glare at her briefly (unconvincingly, but he figured that could be forgiven, extenuating circumstances and all...).

 

“I thought we agreed the bow was off limits?”

 

“So are heart-attacks, but you've had two in the last twenty-four hours.”

 

And just like that her words weren't as funny any more.

 

She'd been serious about the heart-attack. Holy shit, she'd been serious!

 

He wanted to panic at that realisation, but he didn't dare let himself, because it could apparently give him another _freaking **heart-attack!**_

 

“Nat...?”

 

His voice was weak, his tone plaintive.

 

“Don't worry about that now,” she said, squeezing his hand again – he'd known the hand-holding had been a bad sign, he thought triumphantly, perversely pleased that he'd called it. “Get some more rest, and the doctor will explain everything later.”

 

He wanted to argue, wanted to insist that someone explain things now, but he could feel his eyes drifting shut even as he fought to stop them.

 

Nat's sad smile was the last thing he saw before sleep claimed him.

 

AVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVA

 

Consciousness came more quickly the second time around.

 

The comforting warmth of Natasha's hand was gone, but he could hear her breathing next to his bed.

 

So he was enough improved that she no longer felt the need to touch him, which was good, but not so much that she'd felt safe leaving.

 

Maybe she just didn't trust him not to do something stupid again, a tiny voice in the back of his mind bitterly piped up.

 

He ignored it determinedly and opened his eyes.

 

His mind felt less fuzzy, he realised.

 

And there was someone else in the room. A doctor.

 

“Agent Barton, I'm Dr Matthews. It's good to see you awake again – do you know where you are?”

 

Clint stifled the snort that tried to escape – even if his memory was still giving him problems, the fact that he was surrounded by machines and speaking to a doctor, while laying in a bed not his own? Kind of a big-ass give-away.

 

He bit back the sarcastic retort at Nat's warning glare, and settled for a half-hearted smirk.

 

“The infirmary doc,” was all he said, with a quick side-ways glance (‘see, I can be good!’) at Natasha.

 

His words came out rougher than intended, his dry throat stinging. Before he could even look for some water Natasha was at his side, cup in hand and a straw poised for him to drink from.

 

He smiled briefly at her, and took a few short sips – if he'd been out as long as he thought, drinking to fast would be the kind of bad idea he really didn't need to have right now...just the thought of accidentally making himself sick made the aching in his chest intensify.

 

“Do you remember what happened Agent Barton?”

 

Clint's attention moved quickly back to the doctor, trying to gauge what he was really asking – he didn't look like one of SHIELD's shrinks (they had an undefinable _look_ about them, something that just tended to scream 'I know everything you wish I didn't, but I'm going to make you tell me because I'm evil and want to see you squirm'), he just looked curious.

 

“Yeah, well...mostly. Nothing after I lost consciousness, obviously, but I remember leaving here before everything went to shit.”

 

The doctor looked like he was waiting for Clint to say something else...maybe he was a shrink after all?

 

If he was they were obviously breeding them smarter these days – a small part of Clint (very small and very quickly stomped out of existence) wanted to keep talking.

 

The silence stretched on, and finally the doctor gave up – the visible slump in his shoulders was almost amusing Clint thought.

 

Next came the usual round of who, what, where and when to check for memory loss or concussion – his answer of 'Director Fury' to the question 'Who is the president?' got a smirk from Nat and a raised eyebrow from the doctor (“Oh come on doc! You know he runs the country really – the other guy's just for show!”).

 

“So doc, when can I get out of here?”

 

He didn't miss the pleading look the doctor shot at Nat before speaking.

 

“I don't know how much Agent Romanoff has already explained to you Agent Barton, about the state you were brought in in...?”

 

Clint saw Natasha give a slight shake of her head to the doctor out of the corner of his eye.

 

She wasn't going to tell the guy she'd mentioned the heart-attacks – and he still couldn't quite wrap his head around that...heart-attacks happened to old people, or unfit people, not awesome super-fit spies in their prime.

 

“Very well. When you were brought in you were suffering from a severe case of hypothermia Agent. Over the last forty-eight hours we have slowly normalised your temperature, although the strain on your body has been extreme. You went into cardiac arrest twice, but overall I would say you've had a lucky escape.”

 

“What do you mean?” Clint really couldn't see how two lots of cardiac arrest – and shit that phrase was actually more frightening than 'heart-attack'! – could be considered lucky.

 

“We were initially worried that first the hypothermia, and later the oxygen starvation when you coded might have resulted in some level of cognitive damage. The fact that we are able to have this conversation at all is little short of miraculous given how dire things seemed only hours ago.”

 

Miraculous?!

 

Clint felt sick.

 

Had he really been that badly off?

 

No wonder Nat had gotten all clingy!

 

“Of course we do still need to run a few tests, just to be certain that there's nothing we're missing, but I would say that as far as that brain of yours goes things are looking very promising.”

 

Before Clint could even breathe a real sigh of relief at that bit of news, the doctor spoke again.

 

“Now, regarding your heart...as I mentioned, you suffered from two attacks – hypothermia places a significant amount of strain on the heart by causing it to beat irregularly, and also affecting your blood pressure. I'll be honest with you Agent Barton – you were lucky to survive, and there is a not-insignificant possibility that long-term damage may have been done to your heart. There are tests we need to carry out before we can say anything for certain of course, but I need to be sure you fully understand me when I say that I am recommending you remain under observation here for a few days at the very minimum.”

Clint felt the blood drain from his face, his hand clenching into a fist before he remembered that Nat's hand was no longer there for him to grab onto.

 

Long-term damage.

 

God, what had he done? His stupidity could very well end up costing him everything – SHIELD wouldn't want an agent with a heart-condition, he'd wind up tied to a desk until they finally retired him. And Phil...

 

Phil wouldn't want to be stuck with an invalid for the rest of his life, even if he could get past what a useless idiot Clint had turned out to be.

 

He saw Nat throw a glare at the doctor that had the man ready to flee the room, but he was too busy focusing on keeping his breathing even to care...he would not – **would not** – have a panic attack in front of the doctor.

 

“Do not misunderstand me Agent Barton – your physical health prior to this incident stands you in very good stead. You are strong, young, you have no history of heart problems – if anyone other than Captain America himself had a chance of getting away hale and healthy from this, it's you. The best thing you can do right now is rest, and give your body the best chance possible to heal itself.”

 

Dr Matthews all but fled from the room at that, missing Clint's flinch at the mention of the Captain.

 

Clint looked over at Natasha, his eyes pleading and lost.

 

“Fuck, Tasha – what have I done?”

 

Her hand was in his again before he'd even finished speaking, and hell if he didn't have to force back tears of gratitude as he clutched tightly to it.

 

“Don't you dare give up before you even know if anything's wrong – _if_ there's a problem we'll deal with it together. And even then you'll still be one of the team,” she almost hissed at him, her vehemence startling him. “Stark has a chest full of shrapnel and a battery keeping his heart ticking – you really think he can't fix you up with something equally cool if necessary?”

 

He found it impossible not to return her smirk at that, and the knot in the pit of his stomach loosened slightly at the realisation that maybe she had a point.

 

He forced his vice-grip on her fingers to relax before replying a little shakily.

 

“You think he'd share his best toys with me? Hey, maybe I could even get a suit of my own...”

 

Nat grinned and he could almost see her decide to joke along, the serious conversation done for now.

 

“I can see it now – Iron Archer...it'll ruin your reputation though – everyone'll assume you're using a targeting computer.”

 

Clint faked insult at the suggestion, and the two grinned briefly before falling into light banter about the shocking quality of agent SHIELD was producing these days.

 

AVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVA

 

Natasha was in the middle of shredding the character of one junior agent in particular when Clint finally got up the courage to ask the question that had to have been hounding him since waking.

 

“Nat...?”

 

She fell silent, knowing from the faint quiver in his voice what was coming.

 

“Where is he?”

 

She didn't need to ask who he meant.

 

“He was here the first time you woke up, though I doubt you remember that.”

 

She hesitated, not sure how he would take what she had to say, before steeling herself and saying it anyway because she'd made Clint promise to be honest earlier, and that worked both ways.

 

“You got upset at seeing him there – you asked him to leave, and then you stopped breathing and the doctors threw us both out.”

 

She knew she sounded cold, just stating it like that.

 

So many people thought she was heartless, and they weren't always wrong – she was, when she had to be.

 

Right now she had to be – she couldn't let herself remember what those minutes of agonising waiting had been like, not now when Clint would need her. He'd understand why she sounded like she didn't care, she knew.

 

“After they got you stable, the doctor said...and I agreed...that he shouldn't be here when you woke again – Phil didn't argue. None of us wanted to risk a repeat occurrence.”

 

She gave him a minute to absorb what she'd said, before deciding to just ask and get it over with.

 

“Do you want to see him?”

 

Natasha watched as Clint fought an obvious internal battle with himself – it was painful to see, how vulnerable and open he'd become. Phil had gotten so deep under his armour that it had literally shattered around him at the assumed betrayal. She didn't dare guess how long it would take the archer to repair it, if he even could completely.

 

Eventually his face settled into a half desperate determination.

 

“Yes.”

 

AVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVA

 

It was as he listened to Natasha shred the character of a particularly hopeless junior agent that he finally decided to just bite the proverbial bullet.

 

“Nat...?”

 

She fell silent, and he cursed the quiver in his voice as she fixed worried eyes on him.

 

“Where is he?”

 

“He was here the first time you woke up, though I doubt you remember that.”

 

Natasha hesitated, and Clint had to force himself to breathe. What had happened? What had he said to Phil that Nat was afraid to tell him about?

 

“You got upset at seeing him there – you asked him to leave, and then you stopped breathing and the doctors threw us both out.”

 

Clint was torn between horror at the news that he'd actually stopped breathing (which was ridiculous, because what had he _thought_ had happened when they'd mentioned heart-attacks earlier?!) and relief that he hadn't said anything unforgivable to Phil...hadn't driven him away in his misery.

 

“After they got you stable, the doctor said...and I agreed...that he shouldn't be here when you woke again – Phil didn't argue. None of us wanted to risk a repeat occurrence.”

 

Clint wasn't sure what it meant that Phil hadn't argued – was it really just that he didn't want to risk upsetting Clint again? Or was it more?

 

What if his reaction had pushed Phil away? What if Phil just didn't care enough to fight over it...?

 

No. He couldn't believe that, not now.

 

“Do you want to see him?”

 

Did he? He wasn't sure.

 

Could he face him? Could he look at him and not see...not see _them_?

 

He wasn't sure.

 

Could knowing Phil hadn't wanted the kiss make it bearable if he did flashback to it?

 

The problem was, as much as he wanted to he still couldn't completely believe it.

 

Steve was Phil's hero – he'd been obsessed with him forever. How could Clint compete with that?

 

He felt like a joke.

 

Like the butt of the biggest joke in the world, because if he couldn't compete with Captain America before, how could he now, broken and pathetic as he'd proven to be?

 

He had never understood what Phil saw in him – he'd just decided it was worth trusting.

 

The question was, could he still trust it?

 

Did he have the strength to try?

 

“Yes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> дурак ястреба = 'Idiot Hawk'
> 
> идиот = 'grade-A idiot'


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the long delay. My lovely beta reader unfortunately had to stop due to RL commitments so it has taken me longer to get this how I wanted. Hope you enjoy and any mistakes are my own!
> 
> Do not own, only playing.

Phil couldn’t take his eyes off Clint’s room, all he could see were his legs which occasionally twitched and twisted, the muscles relaxing and tensing.

He loved those muscles, running his hands over the firm but soft skin, feeling them clasped around his own legs, muscles clinging tightly holding Clint to him, holding him where he belonged.

He mentally shook himself and continued to stare.

He couldn’t let his thoughts wander down that route not when Clint was still in danger… not when he wasn’t sure he would ever feel his legs holding him close again.

No… he had to stop thinking like this, he was Agent Coulson, BAMF, scourge of the junior agents, ‘yeah you are… but….’

‘Remember you love Clint more than anything in your life,  hell he is your life, so yeah, Clint was going to get better.’

‘Yes, Clint was going to be fine.’

‘Yes, keep telling yourself that’ mocked that little scornful voice that seemed to always be there.

Phil was self aware enough to know it was just the part of him that he had to hide from the world. The part of him that wasn’t  the calm, collected, BAMF Agent but the human being who worried, cared, loved and it was never more active than when it concerned Clint, because apart from himself who else but Clint ever got to hear it speak.

As Phil battled with his inner voice he watched as Dr Mathews walked out from behind the curtain surrounding Clint’s bed and as it parted Phil had a tantalising glimpse of Clint’s upper body, but not enough to see his face… was he awake?

He got a brief image of Natasha reaching for his hand and Clint’s body seemed tense before the curtain hid him again from view.

The Doctor had been with Clint for about five minutes but no nurses had been called and Phil had hoped that maybe Clint was waking up.

Seeing the swishing curtain brought Phil’s thoughts back to earlier when Natasha had been given the news that she could return to sit with Clint.

Natasha had given him a small smile and slipped in the room. But when she had approached Clint’s bed she had turned and pulled the privacy curtain partially around the bed so that he had been left only able to see a tiny part of the man he loved.

Phil understood that she probably hadn’t wanted the team to see her holding Clint’s hand, which he was sure she would have been doing.

Phil had never been fooled into thinking that she didn’t have some serious feelings for his lover and he often thanked god that they weren’t sexual, but more sisterly. But at the precise moment when the curtain hid Clint from his view he had actually felt like shooting her.

How could she not realise that Phil _needed_ to be able to see Clint… see his chest rise and fall with every precious breath… god damn her.

He remembered standing and he’d felt like charging in there and ripping the thing right of the runners, stamping on it, burning it.

That was the point when he’d realised that perhaps he needed to calm down.

Curtain assassination probably was _not_ a healthy reaction.

He still hated that curtain…

Phil refocused his attention from his latest nemesis onto Dr Matthews face hoping to pick up clues of what was happening.

He noticed the slight flush to his skin, the hurried movements… so stressed?

Why?

There had been no bleeping alarms and Natasha was still at Clint’s side, so unlikely to be a medical emergency.

Natasha in that brief flicker he had seen, he was sure had been grabbing for Clint’s hand so…

Clint was awake…

Dr Matthews had been talking to him and he needed the reassurance of physical contact, bad news? NO!

Phil stood abruptly again and pressed his face against the glass as if he could melt it away.  

God dammit he was fed up of sitting here. He needed to be with Clint.

He felt the rest of the team tense as he stood up and Banner quietly say

“Coulson”

“Phil?” the reminder that he was not alone allowed him to reassert ‘Agent Coulson’.

Knowing he needed to report he said “I think he’s awake… I think the Doctor has just been speaking to him.”

He could hear quiet sighs of relief and murmurs but he couldn’t risk taking his eyes of Clint’s room.

He watched as Dr Matthews scurried around the curtain and willed him to walk over to the door so he could ‘interrogate’… no, discuss, Clint’s condition with him but Dr Matthews, showing little sense for his continued employment at SHIELD, went over to the other door and he could see him go into the small office, sit down and pick up the phone.

Who was he calling? What was going on? 

He should be here... I’m his medical proxy… his lover. Shouldn’t he be telling _me_ what’s going on?

Ok he probably doesn’t know I’m his lover, but I am his medical proxy.

No scratch that, if he doesn’t know that I love him after the way I was talking to Clint before he had his heart att… before he was ill, his mind avoided saying that awful word, then he really was stupid and definitely shouldn’t be looking after Clint.

Mmm…Perhaps he should be checking Matthews records making sure Clint was in good hands... get a grip Phil you know SHIELD only hires the best. Clint needs you here remember, not at your desk.

So why wasn’t the doctor out here?

Ice climbed up his spine as the thought that perhaps Clint told Matthews not to speak to me coalesced, but he quickly dismissed this. Clint was not cruel and certainly never to Phil.

If he was awake Natasha would have told him what happened. Clint was one of the fairest and forgiving people he knew.

Clint would speak to him, forgive him.

With that thought he sat back down in his chair and waited for news.

After another half hour of staring at Clint’s legs, Phil saw the curtain twitch, Natasha was obviously moving.

She appeared from behind the curtain swishing it back to reveal more of Clint’s lower body. He didn’t want to see a glimpse, he wanted it all.

He tried to look for any hint of Clint’s condition but as good as he was at reading her minute expressions, her face was a mask.

Phil, shoving all his anxieties and worries, stood up to meet her. He could afford to be Agent Coulson now; he wouldn’t… couldn’t be when he was beside Clint again.

“Report” he said as soon as she stepped through the door.

Although she had her mask firmly in place, up close he could see the tiny telltale lines around her mouth that showed her tiredness and worry.

Phil tried to soften his own stern expression; he knew he wasn’t the only one who loved Clint

Natasha looked him straight in the eye ignoring the others who started to crowd in around Phil

“He’s awake.”

Phil felt relief that his surmisings were correct; now if only everything else would be ok.

“He’s talking and seems aware of his surroundings. He remembers what happened.”

Phil could see that Natasha seemed to relax from her normal stiff posture as she spoke, like she was letting her relief out with the words.

“Dr Matthews seems fairly confident there’s no neurological damage, Clint was able to talk.”

“He was lucid and orientated, but he’s arranging some more tests to confirm. His heart… well they are doing more tests on that as well.”

Phil could see Natasha start to stiffen again, so, not all good news.

“He… he was pretty freaked when the Doctor told him he had undergone cardiac arrest.”

Clint wouldn’t have reacted well to that news, Phil thought, not well at all.

Clint was a very physical guy, he was proud of his body and at the start of their relationship he had often joked that it was his only sellable feature.

Phil hated Clint thinking that.

Clint was so much more than a good body, eventually he had seemed to realise that it upset him and had stopped joking about it, whilst Phil had done everything he could think of to convince Clint that he was so much more than a “Body.”

Seeing that Natasha had said all she was going to say, Phil thought about the question he needed an answer to, one that would keep him here outside the room or where he should be by Clint’s side.

He hesitated to bring the subject up fearing Natasha’s response as much as being eager to hear it

“Did you speak to him about the… misunderstanding?”

Coward- said his little voice call it what it was, a kiss, a betrayal.

“I explained what had happened. Clint understood… he knows you were innocent”

Natasha said, whilst turning a glare at Steve.

Thank god he was going to get his second chance; he wasn’t going to fuck it up. With this knowledge came a sense of relief and he stood a little straighter, felt a little lighter.

Now all they had to do was get Clint better.

Turning his attention back to the team he could see Natasha still glaring at Steve who was crouched in the corner, obviously listening but with his head hung low.

Phil couldn’t help but feel a bit sorry for him.

Hell, he had caused all this, but he was only a stupid kid really and he was in for a rough ride with Natasha, she did not easily forgive, especially where Clint was concerned.  

She might say “love was for children” but there was no doubt that she loved Clint, ‘perhaps’ Phil thought ‘because he acts like a big kid at times!’

Her ways of seeking revenge were legendary and for those who hurt Clint, often deadly. Phil remembered one agent, a real jerk, one of Clint’s past ‘users’ who had refused to listen to Clint’s words that he wasn’t interested anymore.

He’d only got as far as laying a hand on Barton, before he was lying on the floor where Natasha had dislocated his arm and broken three ribs.

Shortly after, he had died in an overseas mission when his chute failed to open on jumping from the SHIELD plane.

There had been no evidence it was anything other than a tragic accident, but he had caught Natasha with a small smirk on her face when the news was broadcast. 

He hadn’t questioned her about the incident figuring it saved him the trouble of arranging his own little date with destiny for the agent when he had learned what he had done to Clint both in the past and more recently. Natasha wasn’t the only protective one.

Phil didn’t think Natasha would go that far with Steve, god he hoped not.

Killing a National Icon may garner a little more attention but he knew she secretly liked Steve; well she had before all this, perhaps he needed to have a word with her soon.

His thoughts were interrupted as Natasha said

“Clint wants to see you Phil”

Phil felt another rush of relief; Clint wanted to see him; Clint was giving him a chance, that’s all he needed.

“You’d better go in; they will be taking him for a MRI soon.”

“Let him know we are all here,” said Bruce.

“Yes, tell him he owes me a good night’s sleep. I’m getting bags I swear,” said Tony with his usual snark.

Phil half listened to the messages the Avengers wanted to give to Clint.

He wanted to race into Clint’s room, but hell… he was terrified.

So much depended on what would happen now and the only thing Phil was convinced of was that he wasn’t going to lose Clint… not to a silly mistake.

Phil stood tall and, with a last glance at the team, went into Clint’s room.

He hesitated as he reached the soft folds of the hated curtain. The last time he had stood by Clint… Clint had nearly died.

What if he got upset again?

Should Phil really be here?

‘Coward’ said the little voice.

Phil admitted that part of him was terrified that Clint wouldn’t forgive him, wouldn’t recover, the other part couldn’t wait to be beside him again and this was the part that he let take charge.

Phil’s heart was beating so fast he almost believed he was following in his lover’s footsteps and so pushing down all his anxieties he put on his ‘Clint smile’, that special little smile that Clint had finally decided was for him and him alone… hell he hoped Clint still believed that.

He reached out and gripped the curtain twisting it in his hand and barely resisting the urge to tear it from its runners, instead he took a deep breath.

Clint… that was what was important now. 

He pulled back the curtain and that beloved face turned to face him.

He didn’t find hate or anger there, just a slightly sad, puzzled expression and hiding behind that, obvious joy at Phil’s presence.

If Clint was glad to see him, even if only a bit, then they could fix this…

“Clint…”

AVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVA

Clint watched as the hand he knew so well grabbed the curtain at the side of his bed. He could almost see the hesitation that would be on Phil’s face as the hand stayed there for a few moments.

Eventually Phil slipped in behind the curtain. He looked nervous but as he got closer he relaxed and he slipped on ‘his smile’.

Clint had only ever seen Phil smile like that at him and he had laughingly named it his ‘Clint smile’.

He had felt such a deep seated contentment at being able to get Phil to smile like that.

He felt like he should be able to list it on his CV right under -‘Never Misses’, ‘Can get Agent Coulson to do his special smile’.

Fuck, he really had it bad!

Clint so much wanted to believe that smile still meant all it had, but in the few minutes he had been alone he had convinced himself that Phil wouldn’t put up with this level of stupid.

He’d drop Clint like all the others had if he had any sense.

He looked in Phil’s eyes and could see that behind the smile Phil was scared… why?

Was he worried Clint was going to make a scene when he broke up with him?

“Clint…” said Phil

Phil grabbed his hand wrapping his fingers around Clint’s and running soft knuckles over his hair.

“Thank god… I thought I was going to lose you? I am so, so sorry.”

What…Why was Phil apologising? Why wasn’t Phil angry at him for being stupid?

Phil gripping his hand tighter said with a pleading look.

“I never meant for you to see anything like that… I’m so sorry, please… Steve took me by surprise and I didn’t stop him quickly enough. That’s all that happened.”

Taking a deep breath, Phil continued

“Honestly you must believe me…  I love you, always only you.”

Phil was still talking but Clint was still reeling from the fact that Phil wasn’t shouting at him, was apologising for fuck’s sake. This wasn’t what he thought would happen, but then Phil always did surprise him.

“Clint” Phil sounded a little panicked …oh yeah, a response would be good. Come on mouth, now’s the time you decide to keep shut?

“Clint, please tell me you forgive me?”

Come on Clint answer the question… why should he be forgiving Phil?

“Why?” smart answer… not. Phil was going to think he _did_ have brain damage if he kept this up.

Umm not clever… too early to joke about shit like that yet, the docs haven’t given me the all clear yet. Fuck, perhaps he did have some damage, listen to Phil and answer the fucking question!

He concentrated on what Phil was saying to him.

“Clint… “

“Clint honestly I didn’t mean to kiss Steve”.

“I know I should have pushed him away sooner. I am so sorry we caused all this…I nearly lost you”.

“Please say you forgive me and will give me another chance. I promise I will make it up to you.”

Oh… Phil was blaming himself for Clint’s stupidity! Clint knew the answer to that one. Phil wasn’t to blame… Phil was perfect.

“Phil, there’s nothing to forgive… honestly”

“I remember, no I _saw,_ you didn’t kiss him. Steve was kissing you”.

“I am such an idiot. All this, because I’m still so stupid I don’t even see what’s right in front of me till it’s to late.”

“Clint, no you’re not”

 Clint quickly cut Phil off; he couldn’t stand to hear him say he wasn’t stupid.

Phil didn’t lie but he had some seriously biased views about Clint and Clint wasn’t ready to hear them now.

“If you love me, then it’s all fine. Come here” Clint said grabbing hold of Phil’s other hand and pulling him closer.

Phil lent down over Clint blocking the light and gently placed a chaste kiss on Clint’s lips.

“Clint, I love you so much.” Phil whispered looking like he had just won the lottery but it was Clint who knew he was the lucky one; Phil still wanted him.

Clint gave him a small smile and whispered back

“I love you too”

They held each other for a while before Phil drew back and looked intently at Clint.

He could see Phil wanted to talk and he knew they would have to at some point, no matter how much Clint _didn’t_ want to talk about this _ever_ , but the idea of trying to talk to him here, with the evidence of his own stupidity and weakness still so obvious, was terrifying.

So Clint closed his eyes, pretended to doze and gripped tightly to Phil’s hand until he heard footsteps approach the bed and he reluctantly opened his eyes.

AVAVAVAVAVAVA

Dr Matthews seeing that Agent Coulson had entered and had been with his patient thought he had better check up and make sure he wasn’t upsetting him again. Hell he really didn’t want to get on the wrong side of Agent Coulson, but the health of his patient came first and foremost.

“Agent Coulson, I hope you are not upsetting my patient?” he said jovially, as he approached the bed.

‘Pretend you’re joking, less chance of him having to look for a new job’ he thought.

He knew exactly how far Agent Coulson’s reach went and didn’t want to be subject to its stretch.

Agent Barton looked relaxed, so he wasn’t overly concerned. His eyes were closed and wait… yes Agent Coulson had hold of Barton’s hand.

Whilst this wasn’t a totally new development when one of them was in the med bay, them _still_ holding hands when any one else approached was very new.

But then again after hearing the way Coulson had been talking to Barton that first night he shouldn’t really be surprised.

Maybe Agent Coulson wasn’t the robot everyone believed. Well the agents anyway, medical had seen him bleed often enough to negate that particular fallacy.

He was curious, though, what was the reason for all this?

Why had Barton reacted so badly to Coulson’s presence earlier, they were obviously in a relationship, so Coulson must have done something to have caused this?   

Hmm, perhaps the other rumours he had been hearing about Agent Coulson and a certain American hero were more than just rumours.

Well, whatever, it seems that things had been resolved now. Pushing his speculations aside, he saw Barton open his eyes and said

“Agent Barton, we are ready to take you down for you scan now. Would you like Agent Coulson to accompany you?”

Barton, he could see, gripped tighter to Coulson’s hand and he replied with a simple “yes.”

AVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAAVAVA

Clint laid in the MRI Scanner the noise reverberating all around him and tried to get his thoughts in order, hard to do when he felt like his brain was being rattled out of his skull, but this was the first time he had been alone.

Phil had held his hand all the way down to the scanning room, surprising him when Clint had made to let go of his hand as they went out of the room and passed his team, Phil had only tightened his grip and smiled reassurance at Clint.

Phil had obviously decided they were going public!

Clint was fretting about this. They had discussed this often enough in the past. Phil had always said no to telling anyone other than a select few. He had reasoned that it may adversely affect Clint’s career.

Clint had always accepted Phil’s decision, as he too had been hesitant. He reasoned that Phil could do so much better than him and as soon as others knew about them, the sooner they would be telling Phil this.

The only people who knew had been Natasha, Sitwell and more recently Hill.

Natasha obviously, because Clint could never keep anything from her… in fact she seemed to know how he felt about Coulson before he acknowledged how he even felt himself.

Phil had told Sitwell shortly after this thing had started when one of their buddy evenings had turned into a little too much drinking.

Sitwell had seemed surprisingly ok with this development… apart from threatening to kill Clint if he ever broke Phil’s heart (who knew Sitwell _could_ actually frighten the shit out of Clint if he tried).

Hill was a relatively new development, well a few years anyway.

Phil had been worrying about the relationship coming out in the open after a particular fraught mission, Clint had been captured and hurt again and Phil had been less than professional when he was finally recovered.

At the time Phil had been building a slow friendship with Hill and he trusted her professionalism so he had told Clint he would tell her about the relationship so she could monitor the situation.

Clint had been worried, Hill never seemed to have liked him and he had thought she would have told Phil how stupid he was to be in a relationship with him and how Clint wasn’t worth putting his job at risk for.

But Hill had surprised him.

Hill, according to Phil, had not had too much to say other than that she was glad Phil had someone and she had never changed her attitude with him at all after, she still treated him like he was an idiot.

Unfortunately, it had also meant that she and Clint had been paired up for the odd mission, a fact Clint hated.

Yes she was a good handler, but he only ever fully trusted Phil.

This tension often led to situations like this last mission where he fucked up. Usually he was the only one hurt but Natasha had been the victim...

Shit! He was a selfish bastard; he hadn’t even asked Natasha about her hands.

He thought back to the tight grip she had on him when he woke, there couldn’t have been too much damage, still he should have asked,  he knew she wouldn’t appreciate his concern (well not that she’d show anyway), but hell that was what friends did and Clint couldn’t afford to lose any he had.

Friends were still a relatively new concept for Clint. He’d gone most of his life until he met Natasha, not even understanding what he might have been missing, but he knew now.

This brought his thoughts back to the team.

He had been wheeled out of his room with Phil still gripping tightly to his hand.

Bruce and Tony had immediately rushed over to his bed side. He’d expected anger or derision from them and had been honestly shocked when he had seen genuine concern in there gazes.

“Clint, glad to see you awake, you’re gonna be fine” said Bruce.

“Hi sleepyhead, don’t go scaring the shit out of us like that again.  Why the hell didn’t you tell us you were little lovebirds, sneaky, sneaks”, laughed Tony

“I’d have given you the whole floor if I’d known, wouldn’t want anyone else being disturbed by all that chirping would we?”

“I think we have some redesigning to do for you and Agent’s rooms now you’re all loved up and you don’t want him doing it all. It will be too, well… Agenty” gushed Tony with his usual lack of appropriateness.

Pepper had simply smiled serenely at him.

Steve… well, Steve had sat quietly in the corner of the room, Clint only catching a brief glimpse of his pained expression on his way out of the room. Fuck, he was going to have to do some work to get things back on track with Steve.

What if he wanted him off the team?  

Strangely, none of them had seemed mad at him; Clint couldn’t understand how they could not be mad when he had done something so stupid.

They could end up losing him from the team…. yeah that would be a big loss wouldn’t it, no more inappropriate laughter, stupid questions; sure it wasn’t as if he couldn’t be replaced.

Perhaps they weren’t mad because it meant they could get rid of him; say he wasn’t stable enough to be an Avenger. Shit.

Clint needed to calm down having a panic attack in an MRI machine would not be pretty. He remembered Tony’s words of all things, Tony had said he was going to redesign Clint and Phil’s rooms; surely that meant he would be hanging around, but no, Phil could still be the Shield liaison and Clint still in the tower as his bit of fluff.

Clint Barton ex carnie, ex assassin, now bit of stuff, visions of him seeing Phil off in the morning with his pink dressing gown and fluffy slippers.

Shit!

Clint didn’t think he could stand that, he loved Phil and wanted to spend the rest of his life with him, but he was no house wife and to be in the tower and not be part of the avengers… Anyway SHIELD would have him back on missions for them and he would be apart from Phil and then Phil could replace him…

God Clint, get a grip.

You can fix this, you just have to get this over with, pray to god there is no permanent damage and convince Psych that you are not suicidal; as he was sure Fury would sic them on him even if Phil didn’t.

This was probably the easiest part of his plan, as he had no trouble convincing them in the past that everything was rosy, even when he knew he had been falling apart inside.

One thing could be said for SHIELD psych: they weren’t particularly bright, either that or they were piss poor at their jobs.

That left then, convincing the team that he was still an Avenger. Making sure he kept Phil happy, and avoiding talking about this to anyone.

There easy, plan in place!

AVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVA

Phil was sat by Clint’s side back in his room; he’d been moved from the intensive care bed to a side room following all his scans and tests. He was still holding tightly to his hand as he felt if he lessoned his grip then Clint might slip away from him again.

Clint had been pushed from room to room, test after test being done, before they had returned and now they waited nervously for the results.

He knew Clint was worried as he had tried to pry what they had seen from each medical technician, with his usual lack of success. Even with him glaring at the techs they had stubbornly refused to give any info, saying the Doctor would discuss the results with them soon.

Soon,..  turned out to be, two hours and no sign of a goddamn doctor.

Clint had been getting antsy, fidgeting in the bed.

Phil had tried talking to Clint but as soon as the conversation went off anything other than who was on what mission and what his latest recruits had fucked up recently then

Clint had shut down, pretending to doze even though Phil knew damn well that he was too wound up to sleep.

Phil knew he couldn’t force Clint to talk but he needed to know what had made Clint take such extreme measures; he knew Clint loved him, but to end his life over a perceived betrayal.

Phil wasn’t worth that. 

He needed to know what Clint had been thinking, why he had acted so irrationally and sadly enough, he knew he needed to get Clint some help.

He had thought their relationship had repaired a lot of the damage to Clint’s self esteem.

Clint had seemed more confident, but he realised he had been blind to the signs.

Clint’s putting Phil first … all the time.

His nervousness with his new friends and the way he still looked for Phil to tell him what to do or say in social settings.

Phil had been blind.   

Clint might be better but he was still a long way from being fixed.

All he had to do now was convince Clint to actually speak to someone and get the help he needed and the one thing he knew for sure that that wasn’t going to be the SHIELD psyches.

Where was the damn doctor, Phil thought irritably as he looked at his watch again.

He was just about to say to Clint that he was going to look for one when he heard footsteps approach the bed.

Dr Matthews walked into the room looking stern... and Phil felt his heart sink. Please, whatever it took just let Clint be ok.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. Next chapter mostly written and will be posted soon.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for still reading and thank you to TTM for looking this over for obvious mistakes.
> 
> Still don't own

 

Clint had been home from hospital for four days now.  He was sat at the breakfast bar in his rooms, head in his hands and he wondered how the hell this situation had got so bad. 

 

It was the first time in those four days he had been alone and conscious.

 

Bruce or Tony had been a constant presence since he had returned home, unlike his supposed lover… Phil.

 

He had only seen Phil when he brought him home from the infirmary and he had then quickly disappeared citing SHIELD business. He hadn’t even stayed long enough for Clint to take his jacket off.

 

He thought when he woke this morning that he had felt Phil curled up around him during the night, but instead Tony was fast asleep drooling on the armchair in the corner of the room and there was no sign of Phil.

 

What the hell had happened? 

 

How had he gone from having Phil glued to his side when he was in hospital to this? 

 

He knew he was stupid and always fucked things up but this had to be a new record, especially when he wasn’t really sure what he had done wrong to fuck things up this time.

 

He was floundering, felt almost like he was drowning; trying to work out what had gone wrong. Why wasn’t Phil here telling him what to do?

 

He thought back to when they were impatiently waiting for Dr Mathews to give them the news about his heart. Even with the possibility of bad news Phil had been gripping his hand tightly and telling him that he loved him and no matter what, things would be ok. 

 

What had gone wrong?

 

Dr Mathews had delivered the news that he had been lucky, yeah two heart attacks lucky and that his heart was holding up well. There was still some slight arrhythmia and they had put him on fucking heart medication! 

 

They did say it was only temporary to ensure his heart stayed at a steady rhythm for a few weeks; to ensure it wasn’t put under any pressure. 

 

Cognitively he had escaped intact… still as stupid as he ever was then.

 

Dr Matthews was clear that as long as he rested and didn’t have any new stresses then he would be fine and fit as a fiddle. They were keeping him for another day for observation but all being well he could then go home.

 

He knew he had been incredibly lucky and Phil had beamed at Clint then, leaning over and gently kissing him. Phil seemed to be past the point of caring who knew about their relationship and it appeared as though Clint was going to get through this. 

 

He had been happy for a few brief moments before it all started to go downhill.

 

Clint and Phil listened as Dr Matthews went on to say that psyche had been ordered to do a full review. 

 

Okay Clint could do that, but instead of Phil telling him it would be fine, he had stood up, kissed Clint and said he would be back soon. 

 

Clint had laid there staring at the door wondering what the hell that was about. 

 

Dr Matthews looked uncomfortable and after mumbling something about arranging an appointment scurried out of the room. 

 

Phil had returned after about thirty minutes and immediately grasped Clint’s hand and kissed him. 

 

Clint had tried to ask what was so important that Phil would rush off and leave him but Phil had vaguely said he was making arrangements, whatever that meant. Because Clint trusted Phil he had not questioned him further whatever Phil had been doing had to be important, right?

 

Phil when he returned to his bedside had still been loving and showing it by the tight grip he had kept on him and the quietly whispered words of love.

 

Clint had optimistically thought that it was all getting back to normal.

 

Later Dr Matthews had come and told them that an appointment had been made for Clint the following morning with a psychiatrist. 

 

In hindsight Phil had looked slightly uncomfortable when Dr Matthews had been telling him this. Phil had the greatest poker face, but he had spent years learning every little tell and he knew something wasn’t quite right, again trusting Phil he hadn’t questioned Phil over this. 

 

He now realised how stupid he had been in not questioning Phil further he might been more prepared for what happened the following morning and not have been so stupid as to lose his temper with Phil  and then perhaps Phil would be here with him not off somewhere on ‘SHIELD business’.

 

The following morning he had been all ready to work his ‘happy clappy’ routine on the psyche department, he may be stupid about some things, but he could play psyche like a piano.  

 

He sometimes wondered if it was a deliberate ploy by Fury as to whom they had working in the Psyche department. SHIELD only employed the best and the brightest usually, well he supposed he was a slight exception… but he was certainly the best. But with psych it was like they employed only the gullible and years of practice had them accepting every stupid lie he told them. 

 

He supposed that if they were too good at their jobs then most of the employees would be permanently suspended due to their issues and where would Fury be then!

 

So he had been all set for another boring session; his excuses all lined up but then Dr Megan “please call me Meg” bloody Jones turned up. 

 

He’d gone in expecting the usual drivel to find that they had brought in an independent practitioner and get this… recommended by Tony Fucking Stark!

 

Clint had found he was totally played by the little shrew of a woman and ended up saying things that he never thought he would mention to anyone… let alone a bloody shrink. 

 

He had tried to argue that he’d just been confused and things were fine now he knew the truth; but she had quietly but firmly dismissed his lies and told him she was here to help him and god help him he was going to get that help or her name wasn’t Megan Myfanwy Jones!

 

He’d spent two hours with her and he’d felt better after 24 hours of being tortured by AIM and shit, he’d told them a lot bloody less too. 

 

Perhaps she was a mutant?

 

She’d basically told him that she was recommending he be stood down pending further sessions with her due to his ‘issues’. He’d argued long and hard with her but she had refused to listen and the next thing he knew she was saying she would send a full report to his superior and ushering him out the door. 

 

Her power must be mind control?

 

Things had gone further downhill from then.

 

Medical had told him to rest and that certainly wasn’t going to be an issue as he had been fucking grounded and had to attend mandatory sessions with _her_. 

 

He was meant to be avoiding additional stress also; but try avoiding that when he’d been grounded because he had had a shitty psyche report that basically said he had the self esteem of a gnat and was ‘overly dependent’. 

 

Fuck that.

 

Clint knew what had happened had been stupid but that was what it was… stupidity. He was not bloody nuts. 

 

He had sat silently fuming waiting for Phil to show up when he had returned to his bed to await release from medical so he could vent that the women was a menace and delusional, fully expecting Phil to work his magic and banish the woman from SHIELD.

 

However when Phil had turned up  looking very subdued and admitted that he was responsible for him seeing the Virago instead of the normal psyche idiot, with his usual ability to fuck up anything good in his life, he had screamed at Phil that he didn’t want him fucking interfering anymore. 

 

He’d been so angry; if Phil had not interfered he would have given psyche his usual routine and been back shooting at the bad guys within the week. Clint had been angry and hurt and knew he had over reacted, but Phil had seemed to shut down and instead of telling Clint to shut up and listen to him, instead of telling him what to do, like he would have normally; he had left!

 

Clint felt adrift since.

 

Phil told him what to do, that’s what they did.

 

Ok he argued and got stroppy about it at times, but Phil usually just got all boss man like and Clint did what he was told. 

 

He couldn’t believe that Phil hadn’t argued with him, had left him alone. What had all that crap been about him loving him? 

 

Phil had shown up about an hour later, none of his usual behaviours in place. When Clint had lost his temper before, Phil had always appeared shortly after with a slight grin and some comment about Clint being over his tantrum now.  Instead a grim faced Phil had been quiet, almost hesitant, and had asked Clint if he was ready to go home.

 

Phil had been quiet the whole journey back to the tower. He was like some polite automaton, enquiring if Clint was comfortable but there were no personal touches, no grins, nothing.

 

When they arrived on their floor, Clint had turned to go towards Phil’s rooms where they spent most of their time but Phil had turned him back towards his own rooms. 

 

He’d dumped Clint’s belongings on the floor and then, muttering about SHIELD business, scurried out leaving Clint feeling shocked and abandoned just inside the doorway. 

 

The only thing he had heard from Phil since he dumped him back in his room at the tower was a simple statement from Jarvis later that evening. 

 

He’d been sat on the bathroom floor at the time curled into a ball, trying to hold back huge hiccupping breaths and had only just heard the AI. 

 

He couldn’t believe that he was losing Phil by his actions and Phil didn’t seem to care

 

“Agent Coulson asked me to tell you that if you need anything he will be right next door” said Jarvis

 

‘What the fuck?’ thought Clint.

 

‘Why wasn’t Phil here?’

 

‘Why was he giving messages to Jarvis for him?’ 

 

He only lived five yards away

 

‘Why wasn’t he here telling Clint what an idiot he was?’

 

God, I’ve really done it this time, they were never this formal outside of work. Phil popped in and out of his room as and when, he’d never had to ask for him before. 

 

Phil obviously had had enough of him he thought as he tried to hold in the hiccupping breaths. 

 

Jarvis had gone on to say “Would you like me to get Agent Coulson?” 

 

Clint, not wanting to force Phil to see him if he didn’t want to and certainly not in this condition with snot and tears rolling down his face, managed to strangle out a “no”. 

 

“Sir would you like me to get another team member, perhaps Dr Banner? “ The AI had asked

 

Clint had once again said “no.”

 

This was his cluster fuck, his to deal with and his to fix. 

 

Fuck, he hoped he could.

 

The AI however had insisted on someone attending as, how had he put it? 

 

“Your heart rate is elevated, Agent Barton. Sir asked me to monitor your heart rate and alert Dr Banner if you were having any problems. 

 

Shit, his own team didn’t trust him 

 

Bruce had shown up, took one look at him and sedated him. 

 

He had slept for nearly 24 hours and Phil had not been there when he awoke. 

 

Bruce and, surprisingly, Tony had been his almost constant companions since his return home, despite Clint’s attempts to get rid of them. 

 

They seemed to tag team him keeping a constant presence. Clint was actually glad of the company as it diverted his thoughts from Phil and what was going on with him. 

 

Clint had slept most of the first couple of days and still there had been no sign of Phil. 

 

He wished to god Natasha was here but Fury had sent her out with Agent Hill on a mission to Guatemala as soon as Clint had received the ‘all clear’ from medical. 

 

He knew she had been reluctant to go, she had grabbed hold of his hand again when telling him about the mission, but she had looked at Phil who was still holding Clint’s other hand

 

“Keep him safe Coulson. I’ll be back inside a week and I expect him to be rested and _happy_ and you дурак ястреба listen to him” Natasha with a last exasperated sigh had then left them alone.

 

He wished she was here; maybe she could have helped him figure out why Phil was treating him like he had the plague. 

 

He couldn’t talk to Bruce and Tony about it, no matter how kind they had been …and yes, wasn’t that a strange word to use in association with Tony Stark. 

 

The friendship was still too new and they seemed to go out of the way to not mention Agent Coulson; he could see them exchange little glances if his name did come up and they obviously felt uncomfortable with the whole issue. 

 

They had been kind though, insisting Clint ate and rested, keeping him entertained with funny stories, watching him sleeping which was kind of creepy, but still kind. 

 

Shit 

 

That led him to thoughts of Steve. 

 

Clint had wondered if Phil had finally realised he could do better than Clint and was with Steve, but Bruce had, when he casually asked after Steve; informed him that Steve had taken off before he had got home from hospital. 

 

Apparently Bruce had wanted to talk to him but he had simply said he needed air and took off on his bike. He had been checking in, but apparently hadn’t returned to the tower since. 

 

Clint had been grateful for Tony and Bruce’s company. They had kept him from spiralling further down in his self hatred; but he had been glad when they had both had to finally leave this morning.

 

Clint had his next appointment with _her_ that afternoon and he had needed time to gather his thoughts and plan his attack. 

 

He was absolutely terrified that he would spill even more secrets. 

 

But what really terrified him was the fact that Phil had been in “Phil’s room” and not once in ‘Clint’s room’ since he got home.

 

He needed to get dressed and ready for the virago to arrive. She said he would feel more comfortable talking in his own surroundings but he personally thought it was an excuse for her to pry some more.

 

He’d spent the last couple of hours practising his spiel and he was prepared to face her again sure he could convince her that all was well in the world.

 

Unfortunately for Clint it didn’t quite go that way…

 

Meanwhile in the apartment across the corridor. Phil sat with his head in his hands wondering how it had all gone to shit and how he could possibly fix it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry still haven't figured how to get rid of the second message! Definately will be updating.
> 
> I have no medical or Psychiatric knowledge so please forgive any Inaccuracies


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, another new chapter. Not abandoned just had lots of issues with where this was going. Anyway hope you like. Please comment if you can.
> 
> Still don’t own.

Meg arrived at the Avengers tower, as it was now being called, and made her way over to the security desk. She had been told to report there and she would be escorted up to her meeting with her most recent client. After checking her ID she was asked to take a seat and someone would be with her very shortly.

 

As she waited for security to arrange an escort, she reviewed the events that had brought her to this illustrious tower.

 

It was her first visit to the tower, it had still been under construction when Tony had been a client and their meeting had taken place in a stunning penthouse apartment overlooking Central Park.

 

She knew she was unusual, in that she often visited her clients in their own homes instead of them coming to her office.

 

A few years ago when she had been a struggling therapist she had tried this new tactic and found she had great results. Initially she had struggled as the time spent commuting meant she could only see a few clients per day but as her reputation grew she now found that she could afford to be very selective in her client group and spend as much time as she liked.

 

Her client list included some very influential people but one of the things she promised was absolute secrecy and so this was never a way of attracting new clients.

She had been surprised when she had a phone call from one of her ex clients Tony Stark asking for a personal favour. She had actually liked the self-styled, billionaire genius, playboy finding he had a heart of gold under the somewhat brash exterior.

 

For him to ask for favours for a ‘friend’ had peaked her curiosity as favours were something Tony avoided at all costs.

 

She had been intrigued enough to agree to an initial meeting but had almost backed out when she had been whisked to SHIELD HQ in a cloud of secrecy and then given the third degree by a very agitated senior agent who proclaimed he was Clint’s handler.

 

Agent Coulson had filled her in with brief facts.

 

Her client, one Clinton Barton, code name ‘Hawkeye’ had, they believed if he had not tried to kill himself then at least not avoided it following a perceived betrayal by his partner.

 

He had suffered severe hypothermia and had subsequent heart attacks whilst recovering and all this seemed to be related to a history of self esteem issues.

 

Meg listened to Agent Coulson explain SHIELD and his concerns that ‘Clint’ could play the resident psyche and they needed someone who could genuinely help him. She had been surprised to see that under the calm exterior of Agent Coulson he was secretly freaking out, but Meg had been able to see there was genuine concern for his asset’s wellbeing behind his questions.

 

Agent Coulson was around fifty wearing a very expensive suit which he had obviously been sporting for a few days but he radiated a calm authority which Meg had immediately warmed to. At least her client had this kind soul in his corner. To have a boss who cared about the person and not just the job would be a foundation for her to build on.

 

SHIELD had stipulated that she had to turn in reports and again this nearly made her back out, her client privacy was the most important issue to her, but with some careful discussion she had done a deal where a limited report of the client’s case would be sent for the eyes of his handler and Director Fury only and no copy would be held on any electronic files. Meg, having had Tony Stark as a client, knew how easy electronic files could be hacked.

 

Meg had known she was going to have her hands full but when she had met the young man she had been glad that she had agreed to take Clint on. She had immediately liked him and although this wasn’t a prerequisite for her role she knew the therapies were always better when she actually liked her client.

 

He was a deeply sensitive soul who had been through hell growing up, abused by those who should have been caring for him.

 

Clint had an incredibly strong moral compass which was somewhat of a miracle given his history and what had passed for relationships in his life.

 

She knew he had not been happy with her when she had refused to accept his trite explanations. It had almost been funny, how deluded he had been in trying to tell her his version of events, if it hadn’t been so terribly sad that people had actually fallen for this in the past.

 

Clint had, under careful probing, opened up about some of his past issues, those not carefully laid out in his SHIELD file. They had skimmed over his past ‘so called relationships’ to the current events. After some gentle probing, Meg was under no illusions that Clint had ever meant to wake up from his ‘rest’ on the bridge.

 

Clint had real self esteem issues, understandable given his past, and Meg was determined to help him; but what had upset her most had been his current relationship.

 

His boyfriend ‘Phil’ had come across as controlling and borderline abusive. Clint seemed to have no power in the relationship.

 

‘Phil’ telling him what to do on a day to day basis and he appeared too downtrodden to even ask for the things he wanted. No wonder agent Coulson was so concerned he must know how this Phil was treating Clint.

 

Meg was surprised he hadn’t stepped in but she was certainly going to change that!

 

AVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAV

 

As Meg pondered her first meeting a very polite guard arrived to escort her upstairs. He led her over to a secluded doorway, behind which were a couple of private elevators.

 

They stood in front of one of these and as the guard went to swipe his card the doors swept open and she was taken aback to be greeted by Tony Stark’s grinning face.

 

“Thanks Tom, I’ll take Ms Jones up” said Tony dismissing the guard.

 

“Hi Meg, long time no see”

 

“Hello Tony, new job as an elevator assistant?”

 

“Well you know they keep saying times are hard!” laughed Tony.

 

“Seriously,” said Meg knowing that was the hardest thing to get Tony to be “How are you?”

 

“Good actually, really good. Pepper and I are getting closer and closer and the avengers… well seems I gained a whole new lot of friends, good people… people who have your back. A whole load of issues of course, enough to keep you busy for the rest of your career probably, but… friends.”

 

“That’s good Tony you need people you can rely on. Is Clint one of those new friends” she knew he had to be; he wouldn’t have asked for a favour unless he really cared about Clint.

 

Meg usually didn’t like to get too much information from outside sources, preferring to put the client at the forefront of all her therapies, but she knew Tony would give her an honest opinion and he knew she wouldn’t probe.

 

“Yes, Birdie” Meg smiled at this

 

“He’s been through shit you know, but he doesn’t complain. He always has my back even if it puts him at risk; he seems to think he’s less important than anyone else on the team so I wasn’t terribly surprised over what happened. Even before we knew Clint and Coulson were together it was clear that Clint worshiped Coulson… knowing they were in a relationship, well easy to see how he would react if he thought he was losing that.”

 

Meg only vaguely heard the words after “Coulson”, she was to busy berating herself.

 

“Agent Coulson is Clint’s partner, he’s ‘Phil’?”

 

“Yeah, Philip Coulson”.

 

“Birdie and Agent have apparently been doing the horizontal tango for a few years. They kept it very hush, hush. I thought Coulson was into Cellists, apparently anyone with a bow will do” laughed Tony.

 

‘Damn, damn’ thought Meg ‘I know I was thrown with all the cloak and dagger stuff but that’s no excuse for not getting the basics right.’

 

Agent Philip Coulson was Clint’s ‘lover’ the ‘lover’ who in her report she had questioned over being abusive and the Phil Coulson who she has then sent said report to.

 

Clint had talked about Phil and she had made the fundamental mistake of not asking his last name, a stupid, stupid mistake.

 

Meg felt the blood draining from her face and she could see Tony sending concerned glances her way

 

“Meg?” 

 

“Meg, what’s up?”

 

“Damn, Tony”

 

“I think I have just made a beginner’s error. I’m so sorry you trusted me with your friend and I’ve let my nerves override my common sense, I hope I haven’t made things worse for Clint” she said.

 

Meg realised it was no good trying to hide her error from Tony, he would find out and even if he didn’t, their relationship was built on trust, lying to cover her own sin was not Meg’s style, in fact she despised people who did.

 

Tony looked like he was going to ask more but Meg wanting to know what damage she had caused asked:

 

“How has he been?”

 

“Well that’s really why I wanted to give you the welcome tour. He’s been… bad, really bad. Coulson seems to have disappeared from the face of the earth as far as Clint is concerned and he’s not taking it well… at all.”

 

‘Damn, I’ve really messed this up’ thought Meg

 

“I never figured Agent as one to bail at a little bump in the road, he seemed so upset in the hospital, he was practically glued to Clint’s side, well when Natasha let him in anyway. I can’t understand why he dropped Clint like a hot tamale as soon as he got him home” said Tony looking angry and frustrated.

 

“Bruce tried to talk to him, tell him how upset Clint was but he brushed him off saying Clint was better off without him or some such rot”

 

“Bruce tried to push him but he disappeared whilst Bruce was trying to reign in those anger management issues. Jarvis has been monitoring him…”

 

Meg thought back over the conversation in SHIELD. They had concentrated mainly on Clint’s history with a few mentions of his ‘lover’ but those had been enough to worry her, she should have questioned this more and for her to make an assessment about the relationship without asking more was a fundamental error.

 

Meg knew she had some work to do today because what she couldn’t do was reconcile the abusive manipulative person she thought Clint was describing with the mild, kind Agent Coulson she had met.

 

But Meg knew appearances could be deceptive, some of her worst clients when she was training could charm the pants off anyone but underneath they were psychopaths with only thoughts about themselves.

 

If Coulson was such a person then Clint could be facing the backlash of information that Coulson wouldn’t want to become public.

 

Psychopaths often spent years maintaining an image and such a person would have no qualms about ditching, or worse, the person who could put this at risk.

 

Meg, however still found it difficult to reconcile… Tony obviously liked Coulson and Tony was a deceptively good judge of character and if wasn’t putting on a façade then she may have caused real problems between them. 

 

Some of the issues Clint had raised could be related to Clint’s severe lack of self-esteem but there did appear to be issues, which Phil, purposely or not, had been perpetuating. Meg needed to speak to Clint and Agent Coulson and, if they both agreed, then both of them together.

 

 She also knew she would have to tell Clint what had happened and would have to ask Clint if he wanted another therapist; she knew some good people who would be able to help him but first she had to speak to Clint, see if her first impressions were incorrect and then clear up her mess if they were.

 

“Damn Tony, I think I can give the answer to that but first I really need to speak to Clint and try to sort this all out.

 

Tony looked deeply unhappy but instead of saying more he turned and showed her to the door.

 

As she went to knock Tony quietly said “Fix it, fix him Meg, please. He’s one of the good guys and he deserves better.”

 

Meg was profoundly shocked to hear Tony Stark saying “please” in all the months she had seen him she didn’t think she had ever heard that word pass his lips, she’d seen him crying, sobbing, but never saying ‘please’. Clint was obviously someone special if he could elicit such a response from Tony.

 

Meg braced herself and knocked on the door.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As before, I have no medical knowledge or therapist knowledge, so please forgive any glaring inaccuracies.
> 
> Rest of story is written, just needs wrangling into English rather than gibberish!


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again all those who commented or left kudos
> 
> Still don't own them

Phil was pacing in his living room. Jarvis had informed him that Ms Jones had arrived at the tower for Clint’s next session. 

What a bloody mess… 

He remembered he had been so relieved in medical when the doctor had said Clint would recover and have no long term heart problems, yes he had to rest and take heart medication for a couple of weeks but he would be alright. He could have done a little happy dance on the spot.

Of course he could see Clint wasn’t happy about the heart medication he needed to take short term, Clint would see it as weakness and although he protected the weak with a vengeance he hated the trait in himself. This combined with not being able to go straight back to work meant he’d had a very unhappy archer. 

The fact that he had survived was, as far as Phil was concerned, a miracle. He wouldn’t have known what to do if one stupid action had caused him to lose Clint. 

Alongside this joy however, was the remembrance that Clint seriously needed help. Too long Phil had allowed Clint’s self-esteem issues to be untreated. 

They had settled into a happy life together and he had genuinely thought things had improved, he’d had to tread so carefully with Clint at first, years of abuse had left him with some fairly serious issues, not least of which was his self-esteem.

Clint’s actions following the events with Steve meant he had to re-evaluate this belief; Clint was not anywhere as recovered as he had thought. 

He knew SHIELD psych were a waste of space where Clint was concerned. They had helped him deal with some of his most obvious issues when he had been a new recruit but these were mostly related to his work and him not passing out from fright when he was startled!

As far as SHIELD were concerned they had done their bit, he was functional and did the job they wanted so they never pushed for more. 

He’d really thought that their relationship had chased away a lot of Clint’s remaining issues but he now realised he had only been fooling himself. 

He knew he needed to get Clint to see a psychologist who could actually help him. 

Phil had been thinking about this whilst they waited for Dr Matthews to return and, willing to do anything for Clint, even ask for help from someone he didn’t want favours from, he had rushed out of medical and sought out … Tony Stark. 

Not usually his first choice of support but he knew Stark’s psych had done wonders for him and he knew that couldn’t have been an easy job. He remembered seeing him in quiet moments away from the glare of publicity surrounding his return home from Afghanistan and Phil was under no illusion as to the type of men that had held Tony. 

Stark luckily was happy to give him the name of his psych, in fact he had rung her himself and asked for ‘a favour’. He’d been shocked and yes slightly impressed that Stark had thought so much of Clint to do this. Stark was even worse with ‘favours’ than Phil was himself. 

He was expecting Clint to be extremely pissed with him when he found out he wasn’t seeing the usual Shield psyches but he knew he could cope with that, Clint could never stay angry at him long.

What he hadn’t been prepared for was the contents of the first report he’d received just before Clint left medical. 

He knew he should have told Ms Jones about his personal relationship with Clint when he had first met her, but he was used to being the professional ‘Agent Coulson’ and that was who he had met her with not as Clint’s lover. 

Perhaps if he had said then he would still be with Clint, would have been with him these last days when Tony, Bruce and even Jarvis had told him about the state Clint was in, begged him to go to him, but he couldn’t forget those dammed lines.

The report had been delivered to him after Clint’s first session in SHIELD.

He’d sat at his desk and opened the report thinking he knew what it was going to say and the start of the report was spot on, low self-esteem, abusive past, etc, etc; but it was the paragraph before the recommendations that had shocked him to his core.

‘Clint now appears to be in a relationship which on first impression is controlling at the very least and possibly abusive. There is a severe power deficit in the relationship and Clint seems to completely unaware of this.’ 

He’d been angry when he first read this, initially thinking stupid woman; but then he had realised that Clint must have said or at least felt this for Ms Jones to have brought this into the report. Phil had found himself rushing into the bathroom down the hall from his office and being violently sick 

He remembered sitting on the bathroom floor remembering his life with Clint assessing the relationship looking for signs he’d missed. 

Clint had always been reluctant to say what he wanted, Phil knew that. 

Phil remembered he had chosen where they lived before they moved into the tower, but Clint had agreed. 

He had also chosen the furniture, except for the horrible purple chair Clint loved. 

Clint asked him about social issues especially mixing with his new team, because he struggled with them, so he did as Phil advised. 

Their sex life… well Clint often initiated sex, nothing kinky, Clint seemed to like slow loving sex and after the first year or so when he realised he was allowed to cuddle then he often just spent the time with Phil cuddling. 

Phil had tried to introduce a bit of variety a few times, he’d worried his much younger lover would get bored with him, like the thing with the ties and the blindfold, well Clint had always seemed fine with it. He’d been a bit quiet after these sessions but he’d always said “yes” when Phil had suggested it. 

Clint would say if he hadn’t wanted to… wouldn’t he?

It was with shock that he realised… No… he probably wouldn’t.

He wouldn’t say ‘no’, because no one had ever listened to ‘no’ before and he’d learnt the consequences of saying ‘no’ a long time ago.

But he reasoned Clint had to know he wouldn’t hurt him if he said ‘no’, didn’t he?

Yeah he probably did so he wouldn’t be scared of him but Clint’s greatest fear was Phil deciding he didn’t want him so would he do everything Phil asked because of this fear?

Damn Clint wouldn’t say ‘no’. He’d say ‘yes’ to anything he’d said or suggested. 

How could he have been so blind and stupid, he should have seen this before… Damn, damn. 

Clint was better off without him, he was in an abusive relationship and he was his abuser. 

He should have seen the signs, shouldn’t have let the situation continue just because he was happy and content; he was supposed to love Clint and put him first and he hadn’t even realised what he’d been doing. 

Clint needed to get help; real help and then Phil knew it would all be over.

Clint would realise how Phil had been abusing him, controlling him, he’d want something… someone better. He wouldn’t want to settle for old balding abusive boyfriend

He had to think of Clint first now. No matter what he wanted.

Clint had to have the chance to get better and make his own choices free of Phil’s controlling influence. It might tear his heart out but he had to walk away.

Decision made he’d had picked himself up from the bathroom floor put on his Agent Coulson persona and gone to collect Clint from medical.

He remembered Clint had given him a blinding smile when he’d showed up in medical and Phil’s heart broke a little more.

Clint had pulled Phil into his arms for a quick kiss and then he’d started to rant about the “shrew of a women” he’d had to see. 

How she was “delusional”. 

A “menace”. 

When he had finally managed to get a word in he’d calmly told Clint that he had ordered Clint to see her instead of the usual shrinks. God it hurt to see that look on Clint’s face, the shock, disbelief and finally anger.

Clint had then ranted and shouted at Phil saying couldn’t he control his own life now.

Phil had felt the blood drain from his face as this comment unerringly hit the nail on the head, even Clint was starting to realise what Phil had done.

Phil had to rush from the room again being sick in the nearest bathroom and when he had returned Clint had calmed down and smiled sheepishly at him.

Phil had taken him home, aching to touch, to comfort, to love but knowing he did not deserve this anymore. 

When they arrived at the tower Clint had moved to go to Phil’s apartment where they usually spent all their time; but Phil had steered him towards his own rooms. 

Clint had given him a confused look at this and when Phil had made some excuse about SHEILD business he couldn’t help but see the hurt look Clint had given him before he rushed out of the room. 

Phil had rushed into his own rooms and with none of his usual control sat on his bed and cried. 

Clint had been the best thing to ever happen to him and his own stupid actions meant that he had lost him. 

In a moment of weakness he called JARVIS and asked him to tell Clint he was here if he needed him and then immediately regretted this he was meant to be letting him go. 

… But Clint hadn’t called for him.

Bruce and Tony had tried to talk to him, digging the knife in by telling him what a state Clint was in but Phil had rushed away each time.

If he listened he would give in and go to Clint, several times he had found himself outside his door but each time he had made himself remember the lines from Dr Jones report.

Clint would be better off with someone who wouldn’t take advantage of him, who would treat him as an equal and love him and each time he would turn away in despair.

So now he stopped pacing sat on his bed put his head in his hands and stared at the floor wondering if there was any fix possible but knowing in reality that Ms Jones would be delivering another nail in the coffin of their relationship.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter, thanks for all the comments, really appreciated.
> 
> Do not own

Clint heard the knock on the door and thought about just not answering it. It wasn’t like his life could get much worse. 

He knew, however, that there was a part of him screaming with hope that if he got better, if he got fixed, Phil might want him again. 

He remembered how dangerous it was to hope so he reasoned that he had to answer or Jarvis would blab to Tony and he couldn’t stand Tony and Bruce giving him sad, disappointed looks. 

Walking without his usual silent grace he stomped his way to the door, opening it to find a small plump middle aged women waiting for him

Wasn’t she taller?

Clint thought he remembered her towering over him ripping truths from him by sheer force of presence, but here was a woman, a little over five feet… yeah definitely a mutant he decided.

“Clint, good to see you. Are you going to invite me in?”

Temporarily thrown by the unexpected presence he remembered his manners… yes he did have some, Phil had been training him, fuck… Phil where was he?

“Yeah, uhm, come in. Do you want a drink? Uhmm I mean a Coffee? Tea?”

“Thank you Clint, a glass of water would be nice.”

As he went into the kitchen to get the water he tried to figure what was going on. He had the distinct feeling that the virago he had first met had been replaced with everyone’s favourite auntie. 

Was this the same women? Had to be, she’d never have got past Jarvis if she was an imposter.

Clint returned with the bottle of water and a glass and placed them down on the small table in front of the couch which ‘Meg’ was now sat on.

“Clint, sit down”, she said indicating the chair opposite.

“I thought the patient usually got the couch” he said still feeling very unnerved by this calm, quiet women opposite her.

“Well I don’t like to be clichéd and this couch is very comfortable, but we can swap if you want to?”

“No, it’s ok”, he just wanted this over as quickly as possible. 

“Clint I’d like to start off today talking about your relationship with Phil… Agent Coulson”

AVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVA

Clint was furious; he was storming around his room trying to take in what he had just heard. Where did that bitch get off thinking that he was in an abusive relationship? 

Meg the mutant had started off all nicey, nicey asking about how Phil treated him, the way they made decisions. 

He had ended up telling her all about his relationship with Phil … truth pheromones perhaps? 

Meg had then told Clint about her first impressions about him and Phil and what she had put in the report to Agent Coulson. 

Clint was livid.

Fuck, no wonder Phil had been avoiding him.

Phil Coulson, the god damn boy scout… abusive! He must be furious.

He could tell her all about abusive relationships! 

What he had with Phil was about as far from that as possible. 

Fuck, Phil loved him for some unknown reason and put up with all of his shit for years now. He’d never hit him, not once, even when Clint knew he had deserved it. 

Phil was a bloody saint! 

The bitch who was still there sat contritely on the couch; he needed to get rid of her, permanently sounded good right about now. She had just sat impassively whilst he had paced shouting expletives.

He needed her gone and then perhaps he could decide whether rushing to Phil and grovelling for his forgiveness was a good idea.

“Agent Barton, please sit down your heart rate is elevated above the level recommended. I have called Dr Banner and he is on his way to your room now” came JARVIS voice from above.

Yes, things can always get worse, he thought, before Meg jumped up from the couch, for once he could see she was looking ruffled and upset and headed towards him.

However, she must have set to using her mind powers, as soon he found himself sat down on the couch, taking deep breaths.

As he tried to control his breathing Bruce rushed into his rooms and came straight to him, grabbing his wrist and checking his pulse.

“Clint you need to calm down, JARVIS what was his heart rate?”

When JARVIS replied Bruce looked even more concerned and scanned Clint more closely, still holding onto his wrist.

After a few moments Clint started to feel slightly calmer, considering he was also a giant green rage monster, the mild mannered Dr’s presence was very calming.

Bruce must have been satisfied as his expression turned from concerned to pissed and he turned to Meg and blasted her.

“What the hell’s going on? Are you stupid?”

“You are meant to be here to help him, not give him a bloody heart attack.”

Without giving her time to answer he turned back to Clint and said

“Clint what’s up? Has she upset you? Do you want her to leave?”

“I…” Meg started to say but quickly stopped by Bruce.

“Shut up, I wasn’t talking to you”.

Clint was shocked to see that Meg immediately shut up and sat on the couch looking suitably chastised. 

‘The Hulk must give Bruce immunity’ was Clint’s only thought for the moment whilst he tried to take in what was happening and regulate his breathing.

“Clint, do you want her to leave?” Bruce asked again after a few more minutes. 

Bruce had turned back to Clint after his initial snarl at Meg and was still holding his wrist and looking at his watch. Whatever he was seeing was obviously good as Clint could see him relaxing a little more. 

He tried to think about Bruce’s question, he didn’t know what he wanted.

No he wanted Phil; that was the only thing he wanted.

He felt his heart start to race again. What if Phil couldn’t forgive him for letting him be labelled as an abuser, this might be the final straw. What if he realised he could do better. Shit.

Clint realised that having another heart attack was not an answer to anything, he needed to calm down, he tried to blank his mind and concentrate on breathing and Bruce mumbled quiet words of assurance

“Good Clint, that’s it, breathe slowly, deep breaths, we will sort this all out, that’s it deep breaths.”

As he regulated his breathing, his anger and despair seemed to ebb and Clint realised if he wanted Phil then he needed to do everything he could to get him back and he was not above admitting he needed help if it meant he could keep phil.

“No” he finally responded “its ok, I’m calmer now”

Bruce looked decidedly unconvinced, but must have been satisfied that Clint was calmer, because he dropped his wrist and instead sat glaring at Meg, who had seemed to shrink back to the kindly auntie persona and seemed very intimidated by Bruce.

He almost felt sorry for her… almost.

He sat trying to recall what the hell he had said in their first meeting that gave the impression that Phil could possibly abuse him?

He’d said about Phil making decisions, putting him straight on how to behave. Shit had he said it like that? He tried to remember had he come across as being manipulated, without power? He’d meant that he needed Phil’s advice and Phil guiding him, listened to him and did as he said.

Running his commentary through his mind, he realised that Meg, not knowing more about Phil and the relationship could have read it as controlling- ‘did as he said’ yeah right easy to mistake that. Fuck, he was so bloody stupid sometimes. 

Really he was to blame for the whole mess… his stupid blindness over the kiss and his pathetic reaction to it… now letting someone think Phil Coulson could possibly be abusive. 

Maybe Phil was better off without him.

He felt himself start to get agitated and once again Bruce started his soothing litany. 

When he was once again feeling calmer Meg, after a tentative look at Bruce, sat beside Clint and said

“Clint I need to speak to Agent Coulson, repair some of the damage I have done. I am so sorry. I should have asked more questions. I understand if you want another therapist but please let me try to help you.”

“No … Phil’s better off without me really” It broke his heart but Phil didn’t need all this shit.

“Clint what’s going on? What’s she done?” Asked Bruce

He found he could not force the words out so looked at Meg and nodded towards Bruce letting her explain. 

Bruce was stalking around the room, looking like he was the one who might have a heart attack, or more worryingly bring his friend out to play. Every now and then he stopped and glared at Meg before resuming his pacing and mumbling

Clint only caught the odd word

“of all”  
“stupid”  
“unprofessional”  
“struck off”

Meg remained at Clint’s side looking suitably chastised and a little bit frightened, he could understand she wouldn’t want to meet Bruce’s ‘friend’.

When Bruce had eventually calmed down, he came and sat opposite Clint.

“Clint, this monumental fuck up” another glare at Meg “explains why Coulson hasn’t been around. He looked devastated when I tried to talk to him…”

“Yeah he wouldn’t want to be around a fuck up like me” Clint interrupted. “Abusive, fucking abusive, Phil, he must be so angry with me.”

“No Clint, I don’t think he’s angry with you at all”, said Bruce. 

“I think he’s scared, might be worried it’s true. From what she said he might think you feel like he controls you. He would be devastated, not angry; we all saw how much he loves you in the hospital”

“Fuck he can’t think that, can he?” Clint felt sick thinking that Phil might think he was to blame. He could understand Phil being angry with him, but guilty? Shit, he needed to see Phil.

“I have to see Phil now.”

Bruce and Meg both started talking, and by the end of the conversation the mutant had put in an appearance and somehow persuaded him that it was better for her to speak to Phil first. Surprisingly Bruce had agreed so here he was waiting for her return, fuming and worried as shit.

“JARVIS, any unusual reading in the room whilst Meg was here? Any chemicals, etc?” he asked.

Bruce, who was now sat at the breakfast bar raised an eyebrow at Clint.

“It’s just I keep saying all this stuff, or agreeing to it whenever she is around” 

“I should have booted her ass out of here, and instead I agreed to let her talk to Phil... just checking I’m in my right mind?” 

Bruce smiled “Yeah, the other guy would like to play ping pong with her, but she does have a way of making you see her side of the argument”.

Shit, thought Clint, Bruce wasn’t as immune as he thought; although the big guy obviously was. Definitely a mutant…


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the slow updates RL is so busy at present.  
> Thank you for sticking with me and commenting - the end is in sight!!  
> Don't own but really wish I did!

It had been six weeks since the “incident” as Phil had taken to calling it and things were getting better.

 

For starters Clint was curled up in bed with Phil wrapped around him. Phil had hardly left him alone since the day Meg had marched him back into the room where he waited with Bruce. Even whilst they slept Phil held him tight like he was afraid he would slip through his fingers if he let him go for too long.

 

Clint smiled to himself and shifted back into Phil, he hoped he’d wake soon since he was off his heart meds now and had the all clear yesterday to resume more strenuous activities. Phil had to work late the previous evening… ensconced in _their_ living room. Yeah another change… Phil had moved all Clint’s stuff into his apartment, no longer caring who knew they were together, so yeah their apartment. By the time Phil had finished working he had been too tired to do anything but fall into bed beside Clint, but today was a new day and Phil had a good night’s sleep!

 

Lying there waiting for Phil to stir he thought back to the day things had started to go right for him. After Meg’s announcement and the ensuing chaos he thought it was all over for him and Phil … Phil would never forgive him for being labelled abusive but contrary to his expectations things had started to get better.

_He remembered the door opening and Meg, under her kindly aunt disguise, had entered followed by Phil who shockingly looked nervous but also sheepish. Clint could never remember Phil looking so shaken, even when Clint had done something spectacularly stupid such as jumping off a building._

_“Clint I’m so sorry” said Phil rushing over to him and wrapping his arms around him._

_Clint was glad Phil had hold of him otherwise he might have ended up as a pile on the floor. What had just happened? Phil was here, holding him._

_No shouting at him?_

_Where was the shouting, telling Clint he was a fuck up, stupid?_

_Phil was still holding him up and Clint, not being a total idiot, put his arms around Phil and hugged him back. This was all he ever needed; he had missed him so much._

_Phil just pulled him tighter placing light kisses against his temple._

_There was a loud harrumph from Meg_

_“Let’s leave these two idiots to talk, shall we Dr Banner?”_

_Bruce looked unsure and coming over and laying a hand on Clint’s forearm asked._

_“Clint are you OK? Do you want us to leave?”_

_Clint still did not know what was going on, but decided that Phil holding him was as good a sign as he could get replied._

_“Yeah, thanks Bruce, we need to talk” Fuck was that him? Must be really rattled Clint Barton wanting to talk?_

_“Clint I’ll leave, but JARVIS will still be monitoring you. You need to keep calm and keep your heart rate down. Now is not the time to get stressed again so if you need to talk fine but if your heart rate goes up significantly I’ll be back and throwing Agent Coulson out on his ass”._

_Clint almost laughed at this the image of mild mannered Bruce threatening ‘I can kill you with a paperclip, Agent Coulson’ was absurd until Clint looked over at Bruce and saw the green glint in his eyes, perhaps not so absurd then._

_“I’ll be fine Bruce”_

_“Bruce, don’t worry.” Said Phil_

_“The last thing I am going to do is hurt Clint. As Ms Jones kindly pointed out I’ve been an ass these past few days and should have been fighting for Clint not wallowing in self-pity. I intend to remedy that as soon as Clint will let me and let him know just how important he is to me.”_

_Phil had turned to Clint again as he was talking and looked him directly in the eye as he said this._

 

Yeah, he thought as he felt a certain part of Phil’s anatomy waking up and Phil pulled him in tighter to his warm body. Things were definitely looking up with Phil.

 

AVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVA

 

 

Later that day as Clint let the beloved rhythm of draw, sight and release flow over him he thought back over the past six weeks.

 

Clint had continued to have sessions with Meg and although he still seriously believed she had mutant powers, (god forbid hydra ever heard about her!) he had actually grown to like her.

 

After her fuck up with Phil she had offered another psychiatrist but in a moment of self-enlightenment Clint had realised that he did really need help and in that moment he accepted that he could so easily have died that night on the bridge.

 

Phil would never have forgiven himself and if he wanted the same thing to never happen again he needed to be able to handle his emotions better; needed to be a better, stronger person and that his best bet of this successfully happening was with Meg.

 

Ok, she’d seriously fucked up… but that just proved she was human… well mostly… probably… few stray genes perhaps?

 

He and Phil had spent a lot of that time talking, Meg’s influence had spread and he couldn’t believe how much he found he had to say. They had even had a couple of sessions with Meg.

 

Clint had begun to realise how unfair he had been in letting Phil make all the decisions and they had been going over their life decisions and Clint had slowly been offering his own opinions. Phil had realised by never pushing Clint he was enabling Clint in not making decisions. _._

 

Most of their life together Clint had been very happy with, but he had admitted to Phil that he had been upset that they had not told more people about their relationship… he thought Phil was ashamed of him.

 

Clint did still want Phil to tell him if he was being a jerk but they would sit down after and Phil would explain it to him so Clint could learn and not keep repeating mistakes.

 

A lot of the talks had been very uncomfortable.

 

Clint felt like an idiot a lot of the time especially when he explained to Phil that he had been scared to be in a real relationship, happy, ecstatically but scared all the same and this hadn’t really gone away over the course of the years. Clint had just got better at hiding it.

 

Phil had been devastated when he realised that he hadn’t picked up on this. There had been a lot of guilt on Phil’s behalf, he’d been so happy. Why hadn’t he seen that Clint still had so many issues?

 

There had been long, long talks about what they had done. Phil finally accepting that he wasn’t the only one at fault and real plans made to address their issues.

 

Phil had also been terrified that he had forced Clint to do thing he wasn’t comfortable with.

 

When they had discussed this issue in relationship to sex Phil had quietly asked.

 

“Did I ever ask you to do something and you didn’t want too, but you said ‘yes’ anyway?”

 

He had immediately gone to say…

 

‘No Phil of course not”, but he knew now that he had to be completely honest with Phil if they were to get through this.

 

“Phil, you pay attention to me, you know if I’m not comfortable”.

 

“You know me and all my tells. When… if I’ve been uncomfortable you usually pick it up before it even becomes an issue”.

 

Phil had of course picked up on the use of the word ‘usually’.

 

“Usually? That means not always? Clint you have to be honest I need to know if you don’t like something we do”.

 

He’d been so reluctant to say anything to Phil, he knew that he should like whatever they did but he couldn’t help how he felt and he knew now was the time for complete honesty.

 

“Phil I love you so much and I love what we do… but… I don’t like the blindfolds. You can tie me up anytime you want, but I hate not being able to see. One of my past lov… well person… he liked to… well, there were others there and I couldn’t see who was… it… wasn’t good”.

 

“I know you would never do that, but it scares me still. I know its stu…”

 

He was interrupted by Phil grabbing him and pleading.

 

“Damn Clint I’m so sorry, it’s not stupid, never again, never”

 

Phil had spent the next hour cuddling Clint in close, murmuring reassurances and trying to get a name out of him.

 

They talked about these issues a few times since and Phil had finally admitted to Clint that he’d been worried that Clint would become bored of him; he’d only suggested these things to try to keep his younger lover interested.

 

Clint was clearly not the only one with issues and Clint had been the comforter not the comfortee. Reassuring Phil how much he loved him and that Clint loved their sex life. He wanted to feel loved, not have some sort of sex machine and Phil was perfect at making him feel loved.

 

Meg in this morning’s session had said she was happy with how Phil and Clint’s relationship was going and that Clint was finally confronting his self-esteem issues but that didn’t mean everything was rosy. Clint’s actions had led to some major issues with the team….

 

Or more specifically Steve.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all again for reading and commenting!
> 
> Still don't own them

Phil was trying to work in his office at the tower.

He’d been working from here for the past few weeks, not wanting to be far from Clint; but not being able to put off the backlog of paperwork that had built up in his absence. 

He’d shocked Fury and Hill by requesting time off following the ‘Incident’, initially to wallow in despair following Dr Jones initial report and then, following her first visit to the Tower, to look after Clint as he should have been doing all along.

Things had changed so much in the last few weeks. Clint had continued to see Dr Jones … Meg, and she was really helping him… well both of them really. Clint had started to talk to him, really talk, (not just telling him what he wanted to hear) and this had led to changes in their relationship.

For starters they now lived together and pretty much everyone now knew they were an item. He’d been so stunned when Clint had admitted that he thought Phil was ashamed of him. He’d had messed up so much. 

He thought that he had been protecting Clint by keeping things quiet and if he was totally honest protecting himself when Clint realised he could do better than a balding paper pusher. Self-esteem issues had abounded during their many talks, both realising that they had been idiots trying to protect the other whilst actually not solving anything. 

Clint had talked about his past ‘relationships’, giving Phil the real details of things he had only hinted about in the past. Phil had even got names...

He knew there was something else that Clint wanted to tell him but he knew with time he would be told everything.

Clint had explained his newfound talkativeness on Dr Jones whom he firmly believed had mutant powers; he’d even swiped a DNA sample and got Phil to run it past the SHIELD labs. Dr Jones… Meg had laughed when Phil had told her giving him a wicked smirk when she asked “Found anything?”

Clint had just muttered something about “better than he thought,” when he had told him the negative results.

Yeah, things were going good with Clint.

Clint, mmm…. Thinking of Clint led him to thoughts of this morning. Clint had the all clear from medical yesterday and had been most… enthusiastic in his good morning to Phil. God he loved that man.

Phil smiled at the memories but quickly decided that now was not the time to relive them if he was to get any work done that day and he really needed to get the backlog done whilst also figuring how the hell to fix his team. 

Clint might be doing great but the rest of the team were falling apart.

First and foremost he had to figure out ‘how’ and if he actually ‘could’ fix his relationship with the Black Widow. 

When Natasha had returned from her mission a few weeks ago she had immediately visited Clint in his room, at the time Clint had been busy seeing how much making out with Phil could be done without JARVIS sending Bruce to his rooms. The first time that had happened had been embarrassing for all concerned, except Clint who appeared totally unrepentant.

Luckily when Natasha appeared both Clint and Phil had all their clothes on but he had been a lovely shade of red.

She had seemed happy, well not pissed off when she had arrived.

It had been a different story when she had found out what had gone on when she was away.

To say she had been mad at him was a huge understatement.

As far as she was concerned he had promised her to look after Clint when she had left on her mission and he had simply not kept his promise.

Natasha hadn’t really been interested in ‘why’ and as much as she had liked him what she felt for Clint was in a different league.

It hadn’t helped that she had accused him of breaking his promise because he was wallowing in self-pity and damn he didn’t really have an answer to her accusations. 

At the time all he had been able to think about was how it was best for Clint to be away from him. 

He’d somehow completely missed the point until Natasha had relentlessly shoved it down his throat that he had left Clint alone when Clint had tried to… had nearly been lost because he thought he was losing Phil and what had Phil gone and done straight away… left him. 

Natasha was a long way off forgiving Phil and that was ok because Phil knew he deserved her shit, he’d been sick when he realised what his withdrawal could have done to Clint and thanked god that Tony and Bruce had been glued to Clint following his desertion.

The only problem was that her shit was bleeding over into missions. 

The Black Widow to all who didn’t really know her didn’t have feelings and they would never interfere with her work; but Phil knew he had lost some of her trust and he wasn’t sure if he would ever get it back. He knew Clint has tried to talk to her but she still treated him with a cool disdain. 

She was professional but still, she questioned him now where before she would have just accepted what he had said. He’d really cocked up. 

Thank god for Meg. Phil had felt so bad about his actions but she had helped him get things into perspective so that he could try to resolve the issues… god if he could only get the rest of the Avengers signed on as her clients!

Phil was worried over the future of the Avengers. Stark, Bruce and Clint seemed more at ease with each other rapidly becoming firm friends. 

He was getting used to going home and finding Tony slumped on their settee, he and Clint with innocent puppy dog eyes proclaiming that “no they weren’t up to anything”!

Bruce was a quiet protective presence in their lives and he was in absolutely no doubt that Bruce had meant every word when he had said that Phil had better not mess up again. 

The one bright spot of the clusterfuck of the last mission had been a pouting Hulk when informed that ‘Birdy’ was not there. No one that big and fierce should look that cute!

However the Hulk had not been so cute when told that ‘Birdy’ wasn’t there because he was hurt. In fact he had made it perfectly clear echoing Bruce’s statement that he would ‘Smash’ anyone hurting his ‘Birdy’. 

It had been good for Clint’s self-esteem to have these two brilliant men befriending him, wanting nothing from him but his company.

If only everything else was so easy with the rest of the team.

He wasn’t the only person Natasha had problems with. 

She completely ignored Steve which in some ways was probably good, in that it was much less painful for Steve, but when Steve was the field leader having a member of the team ignore him was a disaster waiting to happen. 

If something didn’t improve soon he would have to remove the team from active duty.

And then there were the issues with Steve….

Steve was avoiding Phil, Clint and Bruce. If they walked into a room then Steve left unless it was for a briefing with Phil. He had also recently stopped interacting with Tony and spent hours shut away in his rooms. 

Phil, in the brief glimpses he had seen of him, realised that this had hit Steve hard. He seemed to have lost confidence and seemed, younger and more vulnerable now.

In the last mission the Avengers had been called on, he had seen that loss of confidence manifest itself with Steve’s hesitation in ordering the others around. 

Phil had to step in at one point and give an order when Steve hesitated too long and after they all returned the team was subdued and from the glances he had seen Tony and Bruce and exchanging they were all worried.

Phil was struggling to think how to resolve this whole situation. 

Meg had insisted that the only one who could right these issues was Clint and that he needed to speak to Steve sooner rather than later.

He’d talked to Clint and initially he had been reluctant to speak with him but as Clint had begun to see how much pain Steve seemed to be in and the effect it was having on the team he had agreed to talk to Steve as soon as he could. 

The fact that he hadn’t yet hadn’t been for the lack of trying on Clint’s part. Every time he’d tried to talk to Steve he seemed to disappear; every time Clint entered a room he left.

Phil knew Clint still felt uncomfortable… no angry… with the fact that Steve had kissed Phil, especially as he hadn’t asked but he also realised that Steve would never have done it if he had known about Clint 

They had talked before he had left the apartment this morning. 

Clint had said that he was going to the force the issue with Steve today not only for his sake… he couldn’t go back to work unless Steve would stay in the same room with him but also for the team… they needed a strong confident leader and Clint had seen the footage of the last mission.

Clint had had also gone on to say that he also needed to do it for Steve; Clint admitted he did not like seeing Steve like like this. He was still a little angry at him…yes, but he was only human even with the super serum and despite some momentary stupidity he didn’t deserve what was happening over one mistake. 

He’d had no idea what he was doing and what it would lead to and yes, Clint had his own mistakes to deal with over this whole thing but it was wrong for Steve to still be suffering when life was getting better for Clint.

Phil just hoped Clint would be able to get through to Steve otherwise it could be the end of the Avengers…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nearly there you'll be pleased to hear. Next two chapters will be up as soon as possible.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for the delay in posting this. I had some huge RL issues to deal with in the past few months and not much else got done. Things are much better now and time to post some more! You .. well some of you will be glad to know that I am posting the rest of the story tonight. 
> 
> This story in now completely AU as I am ignoring completely the events of CA:TWS.
> 
> As always I do not own them

Steve was lying on his bed. He knew he should be up and doing something but he just felt tired and wanted to try to shut everything out.

 

It hurt to think… He could not believe the harm he had caused to Clint and Phil and was still causing to the team. He hadn’t meant to of course, but that was no help.

 

He’d been selfish and hadn’t thought about his actions and because of this Clint had nearly died. He was meant to save people not put them in harm’s way.

 

All he had been thinking about at the time was Bruce and how much he wanted to make a move.

 

What the hell had possessed him to think it was alright to try kissing Phil he still didn’t know. He’d thought perhaps that kissing Phil would straighten things out for him.

 

Could he kiss a man?

 

His feelings for Bruce had crept up on him. He’d been impressed by the quiet Dr when he had first met him on the helicarrier. He’d been so quiet and calm in the face of everything, especially Tony.

 

Steve knew he was lucky having a second chance at life but he often felt overwhelmed today; well it was just so noisy, loud. Everyone seemed to rush, music, voices were everywhere around and he missed just being quiet. OK it certainly hadn’t been quiet in the war but it was less frenetic, quieter except for when fighting.

 

Bruce seemed to exude peace and calm and Steve was drawn to him like a moth to a flame. Of course when Steve had started to look he then couldn’t miss the gorgeous eyes, shy smile and when he finally realised that his thoughts weren’t purely platonic the very, very cute derrière.

 

He supposed a small part of him had hoped that by kissing Phil that it would lead to the talk he had had with Phil after, that was of course if he hadn’t punched his lights out.

 

God, he really hadn’t wanted to start that as a topic of conversation. He knew nowadays people were more accepting of ‘gays’ but he also knew that not everyone was. SHIELD policy was for complete non-discrimination, but just because there was a policy didn’t change people’s minds.

 

He’d needed to talk to someone about his feelings for Bruce and Phil had been the person he trusted most. He’d never even thought that Phil was in a relationship but that was no excuse for not asking.

 

He’d felt relief after talking to Phil. Relief that what he was feeling for Bruce wasn’t perverted… wrong. Relief, that Phil was also in a homosexual relationship and would support Steve when and if he made a move on the good Doctor.

 

Unfortunately the relief hadn’t lasted long after talking to Phil… right up to Natasha’s scathing tone telling Tony that Clint had seen them kiss and he was missing.

 

He knew at the time he was going to have some serious apologising to do to Clint when they found him. What he hadn’t expected was the state they had found Clint in and subsequent events.

 

Shit, shit he couldn’t believe he had been so bloody stupid and had caused such incredible harm and what had he been doing since, hiding like a dammed coward.

 

He should be trying to sort this out not hiding but he just couldn’t face Clint or Phil, make that anyone really. What could he say? Sorry didn’t really cut it.

 

He wished he had someone to talk to but Phil or Bruce were the people he usually talked to and well he couldn’t actually discuss it with them could he?

 

Bruce must hate him… not only had he been secretly lusting after him, but he’d been the cause of the team falling apart. Bruce worked hard at keeping calm and he knew from the tight looks Bruce had been sporting the few times he had interacted with him that all this had put a real strain on him controlling the Big Guy. Bruce and Clint had also seemed to get really close, Bruce being super protective of Clint since this shit happened… no, he’d never forgive Steve.

 

Tony…. Well Steve knew he wasn’t as big as jerk as he pretended to be, he had real feelings, Steve had seen that in the hospital room with Clint but he couldn’t see himself talking confidences with the flashy playboy.

 

Thor well he was still off in Asgard and probably wouldn’t understand; the world was too black and white for him.

 

Clint and Natasha were obviously out. He still wasn’t sure he wasn’t going to meet a sudden end courtesy of the black widow. If looks could kill he’d be dead and buried by now.

 

As he again tried not to think he heard a scraping coming from above.

 

As he dragged his head from the pillow and pile of blankets to investigate a body fell past him to the floor.

 

He peered over the side of the bed right into the grinning face of Clint.

 

AVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVA

 

Clint had promised Phil that he would talk to Steve today. After the last mission Clint knew Phil was close to pulling the team and Meg and Phil were insistent that only he could resolve the issues with Steve.

 

He’d been angry at this initially, why should he have to sort this mess out? He hadn’t been the one kissing another guy’s boyfriend.

 

He wasn’t the one hiding like a ten year old… well not now at least.

 

And if he was completely honest with himself he was still more than a little pissed with Steve about the whole kiss thing.

 

Yes, Phil had explained Steve’s motivation but that still didn’t make it right. But to be fair he had to admit what happened after was down to his own issues and it was wrong for Steve to feel guilt over Clint’s own actions.

 

As Meg was fond of telling him “grown-ups talk about their issues” and yes he had done his own share of hiding from problems.

 

So although Steve had fucked up originally, Clint really needed to let him know that what happened since wasn’t really his fault.

 

Clint wanted to get back the fledgling friendship he had started with Steve. He liked and respected him before all this and seeing he had his own issues just made him more human and less Captain America. Clint could forgive him, didn’t mean to say that he wouldn’t kick his arse in training, but forgive yeah.

 

But this all depended on him being actually able to talk to Steve. He seemed to do the invisible man trick whenever Clint tried to talk to him; which explained why he was currently prying a tile lose in Steve’s ceiling.

 

He pulled the tile up a bit and caught sight of a Steve-sized lump in the bed below. He was just debating whether to warn the guy he was there, when the tile he was sat on gave way and he fell gracelessly to the floor

                                                       

Well guess Steve knew he was there now.

 

Clint started to sit up as Steve’s face appeared from his cocoon and Clint couldn’t help but smile, Steve looked like a sleepy ten year old, all ruffled hair and big blue eyes.

 

God the guy really was a big kid and in that moment Clint truly forgave him.

 

“Hi Steve-o, whatcha doing in bed, Sun’s up, don’t you have some capatainy things to be doing?” Steve looked shocked.

 

“Clint…”

 

“Clint… What? Why?… hmm….”

 

“Clint… why are you in my bedroom”

 

“Don’t worry kiddo your virtue’s totally safe with me. I know you only have eyes for the Doc and anyway, Phil keeps me pretty busy” he couldn’t help but add with a leer.

 

“Virtue? Clint?”

 

“Yes Steve we’ve established you know my name. Come on, out of bed we need to talk”

 

“Talk?”

 

“God Steve, is that why you’re in bed you’ve come down with a rare case of Parrotitis!”

 

“Clint…”

 

“Look I’ll just go and make us coffee whilst you put some clothes on, don’t want the Big Guy getting jealous”

 

All Clint heard as he left the bedroom to head to the kitchen was a last plaintive

 

“Clint?”

 

Clint headed to the coffee maker switching it on and grabbing two mugs from the cupboard.

 

He could do this.

 

All he had to do now was get Steve to forgive himself, get Natasha to forgive pretty much everyone, fix up Steve and Bruce and thoroughly debauch Agent Coulson some more and all would be right in the world!

 

As he waited for the coffee to drip into the carafe, Steve appeared from the bedroom dressed in sweats and a T-shirt with a big grey teddy bear on it.

 

“Clint?” ‘No one that big should look that vulnerable’ thought Clint

 

“Why were you in my bedroom ceiling?”

 

“Well we needed to talk and you know what they say about the mountain…”

 

Steve just looked confused

 

“Ok, you probably don’t, but look Steve this can’t go on”.

 

“What happened was… _not_ … your… fault.”

 

“Yeah you shouldn’t have kissed Phil and believe me we will be discussing that at more length, _but_ you didn’t do it through malice. You certainly didn’t do it knowing what would happen, what I would do.”

 

“Steve you’re a good guy, a bit stupid at times, but you never meant to hurt me and it’s not right you should blame yourself for what’s happened.”

 

Steve just stared at him dumbly

 

“Earth to Steve, do you hear me?”

 

Steve seemed to shake off his stupor.

 

“Clint… how can you, how can you say that? You nearly died!”

 

Ok, perhaps not that easy.

 

“Look Steve, would you have kissed Phil if you knew he was with me?”

 

“God, no Clint never, I’d never have done that to you and I’m so sorry I did that to Phil without asking.”

 

“Did you want me to die?”

 

Steve paled dramatically and staggered like he had been hit.

 

“I never, never wanted that. I’d sooner kill myself than hurt you, any of the team” he practically sobbed.

 

“So, see you didn’t do anything except make a stupid mistake, which I forgive you for.”

 

“The rest of the shit is down to me and my issues. So unless you want me to feel guilty for making the team fall apart, you are going to suck it up and help me sort this mess out. OK soldier?”

 

Steve seemed to pull himself together.

 

“Right, what first?”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for any inaccuracies, wrong names, etc. I added the au tag so really it's my idea of Clint's past


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more to go!

It had been another couple of weeks since Clint’s talk with Steve and things were starting to improve, slowly though. Natasha still looked like she wanted to exterminate Steve. Steve was still quiet in the tower but seemed to have found his confidence in the field.

 

Things for Clint… well definitely looking up.

 

Bruce and Tony had turned out to be good friends.

 

Tony, a kindred soul in his aim to prank the universe and Bruce, a surprisingly protective presence in his life.

 

Best of all his relationship with Phil was going from strength to strength. There’d been love there always but now they were working on trust and partnership.

 

Clint had continued to see Meg... He still couldn’t believe the tests he got Phil to run had come back negative, but Mutant or not she had really helped him.

 

He continued to look at his life and put into perspective what had happened to him… been _done_ to him, had not been his fault and it didn’t make him any less worthy of Phil’s love.

 

Today’s session had been another breakthrough, Clint had told Meg about what had happened with Barney in the circus, a major catalyst for his feelings of self-hatred.

 

He had never told anyone everything that had happened, like everything else in his life up until meeting Phil he had pushed the memories down but as one betrayal after another had shaped his life so his self-worth had dwindled, Phil had been able to rekindle a small flame but Meg was helping Clint make it roar.

 

Clint went to their apartment and started to prepare a meal, he needed to speak to Phil tonight and tell him what he had disclosed to Meg. The last piece of the puzzle, before putting the past behind them, and moving on with their relationship.

 

Meg had been clear at the beginning that in order to put the past behind him he needed to face his past in full colour, he needed to not only talk to her about it but also be completely honest with Phil about his past.

 

Clint had thought she was mad at first. Phil would hate him; leave him, when he knew the full extent of the shit Clint had gone though. He really shouldn’t have been surprised when Phil listened to him and instead of hatred and condemnation he had been met with nothing but love and understanding.

 

AVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVA

 

Clint and Phil were in the lounge, Phil sat on the sofa looking relaxed and replete after the meal they had just shared.

 

Phil was watching Clint waiting for him to speak, knowing that Clint had more to tell him about his past.

 

Clint had another session with Meg this morning and usually Clint wanted to talk… tell him more about the nightmare he lived through.

 

Phil wanted to shout and scream but he knew that Clint needed him to be calm and relaxed.

 

Clint found it hard enough to talk and in the beginning the few times Phil had become angry at what Clint was telling him Clint had drawn to a stuttering halt. Phil had then had to calm him down and spend hours reassuring him that he wasn’t mad with him, just the asshole of the moment.

 

So… now Phil was relaxation personified and Clint was fairly calm normally.

 

Tonight Clint looked edgy and Phil knew what ever came tonight was going to be bad… shit, he didn’t think it could get worse than when Clint had told him all about his time with the Swordsman.

 

Phil had remained calm and supportive that night but the following day he had taken apart one of the training rooms at SHIELD HQ. The Swordsman was dead so Phil couldn’t take his revenge…. but he did have other names. Sitwell and Hill had found him hours later sat amongst the torn and decimated room and taken him out for a few drinks.

 

He’d been returned (carried) back to the apartment by his drinking companions and met with Clint’s smiling face as he had burped out a rambling statement about how Clint was the love of his life and how he had the bestest, bestest drinking buddies in the whole wide world.

 

He’d fallen asleep that night face down on the floor, okay maybe passed out on the floor… Thinking if Clint could carry on smiling, all would be right in his world.

 

Jerking his thoughts back to the present he smiled at Clint who seemed to be reassured by this.

 

He hesitantly started “Phil…”

 

“I love you so much you know, you’re my life. You made me feel like I was someone who could be loved. I’d never really thought I’d have that, never thought I deserved it.”

 

Clint dropped onto the chair, looking down at his hands he continued.

 

“The thought of living without that feeling was horrific.

 

“That night, the night Steve well… I really wasn’t trying to kill myself it was more I didn’t really care if I did die anymore”.

 

“If you didn’t want me anymore what was the point in anything?”

 

“All I had ever wanted in life was to be loved”

 

“When I was a kid I saw all the picture perfect families and that’s all I wanted someone to love, the picket fence, the home and if I was lucky enough the dog and children. It wasn’t a big dream, fairly ordinary really, but it was the only thing I ever wanted, a family to love and be loved by.

 

Phil was taken aback, in all their talks Clint had never mentioned that night. It was the one subject he’d refused to open up about. To hear Clint talk about how little he had thought he was worth and how little he wanted… he thought his heart might break.

 

“God, Clint? You have no idea how much I love you. I am so sorry I can’t give you a family but know I love you without reserve”. Phil felt momentary panic, was this it? Was he not enough? Did Clint want a wife? Kids? No don’t be silly, he’d just told you he loved you and you were his life.

 

“I know that Phil, I don’t care about the rest as long as I have you”

 

“But I never really thought you’d stay with me, people …don’t.”

 

“I’ve already told you about my parents, well my dad and all those I thought liked me but were only after my body or a way to get me to do their dirty work. It took its toll… you can only be made to feel worthless so many times before you actually begin to believe it”.

 

“There’s something else though, I loved someone else once… not like I love you of course, puppy love, at best looking back, but hell it really screwed me up at the time and Barney yeah well how many times are you meant to be screwed over by someone who is meant to love you?”

 

Damn, damn he thought he was not sure he was strong enough to hear this, but he slipped his hand in Clint’s and said

 

“It’s ok Clint tell me, I love you always”

 

AVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVA

 

Clint sat gripping Phil’s hand working up the courage to tell him about his brother’s first betrayal. In the grand scheme of things is wasn’t by far the worst thing that had happened to him but it had been the catalyst for everything that happened later and left Clint at such a young age stripped of any feelings of self-worth.

 

Phil sat gripping his hand back, he looked worried. Clint knew how hard it was for Phil to keep calm when they had these talks, but he tried so hard to not get angry _for Clint_ that it made him love him even more.

 

Clint hesitated before launching into the rest of his story, voice wavering and at times so quiet he wasn’t sure Phil could hear him.

 

“I was so young when we arrived at the circus the first few years were good, after Dad and well the Home. Barney looked after me, I learned to shoot and I had friends. I thought my life was really looking up.”

 

“Well after we had been there a few years I started going out with this girl, Maggie”

 

Clint had thought she was so beautiful.

 

“She was a contortionist and although she was a couple of years older than me we used to spend hours together. I would help her train and clean up after the animals as that was one of her jobs. She… she was my first.”

 

He thought he died and gone to heaven at the time, teenage hormones amok.

 

“Anyway, after a few months of seeing her she told me she loved me whilst we were making love and I was over the moon. I know I was only a kid really, but I really loved her. I imagined us spending the rest of our lives together, white picket fence kids, dog and all that shit and she led me to believe that was what she wanted to.”

 

He paused and shrank further into himself “I was so happy right up to the moment I walked in and found her kissing Barney.”

 

Phil pulled him into his arms rubbing gentle circles on his back, murmuring sweet nothings.

 

Clint could not stop shaking as the memories washed over him.

 

Phil gently urged “Go on, what happened?”

 

Clint mumbled into Phil’s shoulder “I thought it was a joke at first. Barney was always trying to pull one over me and he sometimes had a cruel edge to his jokes.”

 

Clint remembered, he had half laughed and said

 

“Maggie, Barney, very funny.”

 

But instead of the smiles and gentle laughter he expected, Barney said

 

“Fuck off kid, Maggie and I are having some grown up time, go and bother someone else.”

 

Clint had turned to Maggie with tear filled eyes.

 

“Maggie what’s going on? You’re with me, you love me, you told me?”

 

Maggie had laughed

 

“God Barney, you were right the kid actually believed all that crap. Barney said you were gullible but this takes the cake.”

 

Clint remembered stammering

 

“B-but Maggie we we-rre”

 

Maggie had cut him off saying

 

“Look Clint you were a good lay; almost as good as your brother, but your far too clingy to be real. Always wanting to touch me, talk. I’m tired of you wittering on and on and your grabby hands. I’m sure plenty of others will be happy to get some of that hot little Bod, but frankly I’ve decided I like the seasoned variety better.”

 

Clint had stood there, felt tears rolling down his cheeks; he couldn’t believe this was happening

 

He remembered how Barney had laughed at Clint and said “get your stuff and get out of here, I decided Maggie’s replacing you and moving in”

 

“But w…w…where can I go?”

 

“Jacques said you can bunk with him, hurry up and get the hell out of here, Maggie and I were just getting warmed up”

 

Clint almost blinded by tears had grabbed his few possessions and left the trailer.

 

“I was pretty devastated, not only over Maggie but Barney; he was my big brother see. He was meant to protect me, love me.”

 

“Instead he steals my girl, replaces me with her and sends me to the Swordsman and the worst, the very worst was I knew… I knew that Barney understood the cost of my staying with the Swordsman.”

 

“How the hell could I be worth anything if my own brother did that to me?” he said as tears coursed down his face.

 

Phil pulled him in tighter.

 

“Clint, Clint, it was him, never you. He was a bastard who so didn’t deserve you as his brother. You never ever deserved this, it was never, never you.”

 

Phil continued to hold him tight and whisper words of love, comfort and healing until Clint fell asleep in his arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still haven't figured out how to get rid of that pesky comment!!


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to all of you who have read this story. As I said way back at the beginning it's the first thing I have written. I really hope that it has given some of you some enjoyment. 
> 
> I would love to hear your thoughts and if I should write anything else.
> 
> Thank you all again for reading
> 
> Really wish they were but unfortunately I do not own them, I did not make any money and this is written for enjoyment only.

Six months later….

 

Things were finally getting better in the tower.

 

Phil no longer avoided Steve and Steve no longer avoided Phil. Clint and Steve were back to their tentative friendship, sparring together often and Clint introducing him to the delights of computer gaming.

 

Steve had manned up after his talk with Clint and gone to talk to Bruce, they had been awkward around each other at first but now seemed to be heading towards some sort of relationship; if the number of times they slipped out together and the sweet smiles they bestowed on each other were any indication.

 

Clint was happy for both of them, Bruce always seemed so lonely even though he now had friends and shared his mind with the Big Guy and Steve well he knew something about being alone too... they were a good match.

 

Bruce wasn’t as openly protective towards Clint now, but when the Big Guy came out to play, god help anyone who hurt “his Birdy.”

 

Pepper still had Tony firmly under her thumb. Tony now made more effort to arrange ‘Team Events’ but never admitted that this was what they were, he seemed desperate to heal any and all rifts in the team. Although he did have a tendency to feel this could be done through consuming large amounts of alcohol. But hey some of his and Tony’s finest pranks were dreamt up in these moments!

 

Clint could forgive Tony a lot because at times he thought this was what it would be like to have a brother who cared.

 

Thor had returned from Asgard and seemed oblivious of the events that occurred unless you noticed the exaggerated smiles, the subtle references to the great team he was a part off and the increased number of meals Thor insisted the team _had_ to try with him. His generally puppyish good humour was like a balm spreading over the whole team.

 

Even Natasha had thawed a little, things weren’t quite fixed between her and Phil but she seemed to have forgiven Steve. Only after many, many hours of Clint pleading, begging her that despite the awful things which had happened it had actually been good for Clint and really Steve wasn’t responsible for Clint’s issues.

 

Phil was happy. He seemed to have a new calmness about him when he was with Clint. He knew that Phil felt more relaxed now Clint was a full partner in their relationship.

 

The expression on Phil’s face had been priceless the first time Clint had argued with Phil over his plans for something, but then he had beamed at Clint like his birthday and Christmas had all come at once.

 

As for Clint … well he was happy. Happier than he had ever been in his whole life.

 

He felt confident and more than that he felt loved.

 

He’d finally realised that he had the dream he’d long ago forgotten. Well, almost…

 

He had Phil; god knows how he had been that lucky.

 

Instead of the white picket fence he had a Tower in the middle of New York, an A.I and several robots instead of a dog and as for children…. well he supposed they had Tony and Thor.

 

Life was good…

The End

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. I will write more if anyone wants.


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